Let me start off by saying that I am an "exclusive pumper" - fancy way of saying that breastfeeding the "traditional way" didn't work for either of us (not to mention Tory, who would have to deal with my post anxiety and a very upset baby) so I decided to pump. Here's the thing ... in my humble opinion, it's the hardest way to do it because you're feeding your baby twice, every time. Feed baby, play with baby, baby sleeps (or doesn't), pump, wash pump, repeat. Endlessly. I was ready to give it up when this mountain started.
About 2 weeks ago, I felt a lump in my right breast. Endless googling later, it appeared I had a clogged duct. That breast was the super producer and I was still getting milk, so I thought after a couple days (of trying EVERYTHING) that I got the clog...but the lump didn't go away. It was a Thursday (or maybe a friday ... they all blend together) that I called Health Link to see about the possibility that I had mastitis. It was increasingly painful and getting a bit bigger. I couldn't hand express because of where the lump was. The Internet (seriously don't do this to yourself) basically said I was a baby and I wasn't hand trying to hand express hard enough. The health link nurses said that since I did not present much of a fever, there was only a small red spot, etc., to "not go to the doctor until it gets worse .. if it does." ....mistake one.
I felt like I knew better (more like, I really had this gut feeling something was wrong as I felt I presented the underlying mastitis symptoms) so I went to the doctor on Friday. The worst that was going to happen was he was going to say the same thing the nurse told me and say that it was just bruised tissue from working the clog. This was a walk in clinic. The doctor carefully listened to my symptoms and agreed with me that it was mastitis. He did not examine me, but did prescribe some heavy antibiotics. He said if I did not feel better in 2 days, to come back because it may have abscessed.
I struggled through the weekend and all of a sudden, it hit me like a wall of bricks. A fiery red breast, a MASSIVE lump, a high fever, the chills, I couldn't hold Hanley without crying, and nothing I did helped the pain. No amount of advil/tylenol/showers/cabbage. It was bad.
Monday rolls around and I'm still feeling like garbage. The pain and symptoms had not lessened or stayed the same. They had gotten wors. It had been more than 2 full days of antibiotics so I went back to the walk in clinic. That doctor did an examination and immediately believed it had abscessed. He said he wanted to call the surgeon at Fort Saskatchewan and send me there. I told him that my babe was at home with Grandma (thank you!), yet again and the wait at Grey Nuns was only about an hour. He wrote me a referral letter to help speed things up, which included a high fever, that I was on antibiotics, and a high pulse.
I called my mum in tears. I (finally) asked her to meet me at the hospital. I went and gave the note to the triage nurse and also explained that I would likely need to pump as I was leaking on the floor. She told me I could just breastfeed my baby there. I explained the baby wasn't there (ew) and that we only pumped. She was a little less than enthused and said they would bring it out for me. Meltdown 1 ensued. I was NOT going to pump in a waiting room of an ER. I bawled in the corner. I was at an EASY 6 out of 10 and now this. A half hour passed and no pump. I went back to the nurse and she apologized profusely, told me to wait for 5 minutes and she would get me to a room. She did. I started pumping, mum showed up, I cried again. A nurse came in and said how bad it looked and it was probably abscessed. The doctor, however, had a different take. She came in, saw the fiery redness, the massive lump that was taking up more than half my breast, and listened to me explain that the symptoms and pain had not lessened or stayed the Same. They had gotten WORSE. I fought through tears as I explained I could no longer hold my child without excruciating pain. She felt my burning red breast (I wish I was exaggerating, but it was SO hot and SO red) and said "you're doing everything you can, you really just haven't given the medicine a chance to work." I looked at my mum because I knew that if I looked at her I wouldn't throttle the doctor. I was in agony. I didn't want painkillers, I can't have them - I wanted to hold my little girl. I wanted my breast to not be on fire. I wanted to stop smelling like cabbage. I wanted this fixed. I looked back at her and said something along the lines of "seriously? The doctor told me I'd be feeling better by now and I feel WORSE. This is all you can do?" She then responded by asking if I wanted painkillers. I said what is noted above. I cried. I was in pain and I wanted to hold my girl. She then (begrudgingly, I might add) said she would order an ultrasound "just to see where we are at." Lady, we are half way up mastitis mountain. We are half way to a complaint because you are brushing off a LIFE THREATENING disease. We are half way to the peace officers down the hall being called because you are NOT LISTENING TO ME.
Let me also note that I have more than 1 person in my family and network who works in Healthcare and/or has had mastitis. Even IF the medicine "hadn't kicked in" (lies), I should not have felt WORSE.
They called on Tuesday and said I had an ultrasound that afternoon. Another agyernoon without H, not that I could hold her anyways, which was devastating and torturous. The ultrasound tech basically didn't even have the wand on me and just said "Oh my." She had to get a bigger camera because the mass didn't fit on this one. We chatted and she tried to keep my mind off how much it hurt to have any kind of touch on me. She casually mentioned the doctor at the ultrasound clinic would probably send me back to the ER. Sure enough the doctor came in and said that the mass was 7x4x3cm (if you've been lucky enough to see me in real life ... you know how big that is on me) and it was infected and inflamed tissue with a small abscess forming. He told me to go directly back to the ER and his report would be there. He also mentioned that he believed me and I must be in incredible pain. That helped.
I cried again out of sheer frustration. I knew it was bad. I went BACK to the ER. The doc I was "lucky" enough to see said his report didn't make sense because it mentioned aspiration but a massive mass. I told him what the doctor at the ultrasound clinic said. He tossed the report and said "well he is giving conflicting information. What do YOU want to do?" ....of the family and friends in health care, the closest I get is having watched every episode of ER multiple times, Watchung Grey's, cool YouTube videos, and a couple classes in university. I told him what I told the doctor I saw the day before. I want this over. He said "well ill get you a dose of IV antibiotics then." He walked me to a new waiting room and left.
A nurse came and put the IV in my hand. Ow. Then she said it would be there for 3 days. I burst into tears and asked if there was any other way because I wouldn't be able to do anything with my girl. She said no but did look sympathetic. She gave me my dose through a syringe and told me to report to the IV clinic the next day at 2. Another day away from H.
Went to the clinic expecting to be hooked up to a drip. Nope, straight through a syringe, so that was a pleasant surprise. The nurse at one point said "you didn't cause this. It's not your fault." I nearly cried. In all the googling and doctors it DOES feel like your fault. You didn't get a good latch, you didn't feed often enough, you didn't pump long enough, you missed a pump session ... YOU did this. The other contributors? Stress, fatigue, poor diet, having boobs etc ... aka being a mum. Ironically, one of the best "fixes" for mastitis is "frequent feeding" and "rest" ... those are not compatible with each other in my world.
However, I did have a great support in T's mum, who was staying. She took care of H, let me cry on her shoulder, and let me sleep.
T's mum flew home on Wednesday morning (day 2 of IV) and I was hopeful it would be out the next day. Grandma J stepped in on Thursday and Friday to watch H and I went to what I thought was my last IV appointment (Friday). I was still in pain, but the redness was going down, so I was really hopeful the IV would come out. The nurse examined me after my dose and before I went BACK to the ER for reassessment. She said it would likely be in longer as it was still pretty firm. I started to ugly cry in the room. I just wanted to hold my baby without fear of her moving her head and me bursting into tears. I wanted to be done pumping (no such luck when you have mastitis). I wanted this to be over.
This time at the ER, I had a compassionate doctor. He asked me how I waited so long to come in. I explained everything, health link, oral meds, and the doctor that sent me home. He seemed surprised a doctor there would do that. He did the exam and said "I'm thinking another 2 days of IV meds and another ultrasound." I started to cry a little bit but said I understood. He was empathetic and said he would rather give the extra dose or two so that it didn't come back, or at least there would be a smaller chance that it would come back once I was on oral meds. I agreed, but still cried. I went home and cried to J. The ultrasound lady called and said to go to the ER at 1015 on Monday morning then on ultrasound. Cool.
I did my next 2 days of IV meds, Saturday and Sunday and T hung out with babe. The doc did another exam, was very empathetic and said that I could go on oral meds now. I nearly cried in excitement that the IV was coming out. He said he was hopeful that it was coming to a close but the ultrasound would help and to be sure to keep a close eye on it as mastitis can rear it's ugly ass head at any time ... despite what you do.
After a complete clusterfuck regarding the ultrasound on Monday (and a VERY apologetic call to my bestie about the lack of communication at the hospital) my ultrasound got moved to the afternoon. I took babe and got it done. The ultrasound tech saw the previous scan and again asked me why I waited. I explained again that doctors didn't believe how much pain I was in and that it had gotten so much worse by the time they decided to do something (or actually until I decided to do something, since that doc asked ME what I wanted to do). She said "how did they not believe you?! YOU CAN STILL SEE THE LUMP FROM HERE!" I was yet again grateful that someone else listened and got it. She explained that the mass was still the same size, 7x4x3cm, but - the texture had changed. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing - rest (hahahaha), lots of hot showers (lol), pump often, and finish the meds. Next ultrasound is 4-6 weeks.
I don't tell this story for you to feel bad for me. Don't. Or do. Whatever. Mastitis fucking blows, plain and simple. I tell this because our system is so broken. The ER doctors need a lesson in empathy, compassion, and believing their patients. Doing an actual exam and hearing their patients out. Communicating with each other.
Post partum help needs to be better. There's a sign in emergency at admitting that says "If you are over 20 weeks pregnant, stand in this line" - they straight admit you and take you upstairs. It needs to include up to 4 months post partum. It should. That's when your file is closed. There is such a gap in care for mums, especially because you get kicked out of the hospital so fast. I know I wanted to leave, but there needs to be more support. You are quite literally alone from 2 days to 14 days and from then until your first OB check up. For me, that's a 6 week gap. Yes, I have a great support system and I'm grateful, but Healthcare needs to be involved. It needs to do better. Yes, the babies are important - I know mine is incredibly important to me ... but they HAVE to take care of mamas. It's just like the mask on the airplane - you Have to put yours on first before you put on anyone else's. Our families, parents, and kids deserve better. What would have happened if I was a single parent? Or a parent who's spouse worked out of town? Or a parent who's family didn't happen to be here/live nearby. That's the reality for MANY parents. That's daily trips to a dirty ER/clinic with a 7 week old. That's trying to take care of a 7 week old while you have blinding pain. That's not being able to hold your baby, but having no one else to do it for you. The system needs work.
T's mum flew home on Wednesday morning (day 2 of IV) and I was hopeful it would be out the next day. Grandma J stepped in on Thursday and Friday to watch H and I went to what I thought was my last IV appointment (Friday). I was still in pain, but the redness was going down, so I was really hopeful the IV would come out. The nurse examined me after my dose and before I went BACK to the ER for reassessment. She said it would likely be in longer as it was still pretty firm. I started to ugly cry in the room. I just wanted to hold my baby without fear of her moving her head and me bursting into tears. I wanted to be done pumping (no such luck when you have mastitis). I wanted this to be over.
This time at the ER, I had a compassionate doctor. He asked me how I waited so long to come in. I explained everything, health link, oral meds, and the doctor that sent me home. He seemed surprised a doctor there would do that. He did the exam and said "I'm thinking another 2 days of IV meds and another ultrasound." I started to cry a little bit but said I understood. He was empathetic and said he would rather give the extra dose or two so that it didn't come back, or at least there would be a smaller chance that it would come back once I was on oral meds. I agreed, but still cried. I went home and cried to J. The ultrasound lady called and said to go to the ER at 1015 on Monday morning then on ultrasound. Cool.
I did my next 2 days of IV meds, Saturday and Sunday and T hung out with babe. The doc did another exam, was very empathetic and said that I could go on oral meds now. I nearly cried in excitement that the IV was coming out. He said he was hopeful that it was coming to a close but the ultrasound would help and to be sure to keep a close eye on it as mastitis can rear it's ugly ass head at any time ... despite what you do.
After a complete clusterfuck regarding the ultrasound on Monday (and a VERY apologetic call to my bestie about the lack of communication at the hospital) my ultrasound got moved to the afternoon. I took babe and got it done. The ultrasound tech saw the previous scan and again asked me why I waited. I explained again that doctors didn't believe how much pain I was in and that it had gotten so much worse by the time they decided to do something (or actually until I decided to do something, since that doc asked ME what I wanted to do). She said "how did they not believe you?! YOU CAN STILL SEE THE LUMP FROM HERE!" I was yet again grateful that someone else listened and got it. She explained that the mass was still the same size, 7x4x3cm, but - the texture had changed. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing - rest (hahahaha), lots of hot showers (lol), pump often, and finish the meds. Next ultrasound is 4-6 weeks.
I don't tell this story for you to feel bad for me. Don't. Or do. Whatever. Mastitis fucking blows, plain and simple. I tell this because our system is so broken. The ER doctors need a lesson in empathy, compassion, and believing their patients. Doing an actual exam and hearing their patients out. Communicating with each other.
Post partum help needs to be better. There's a sign in emergency at admitting that says "If you are over 20 weeks pregnant, stand in this line" - they straight admit you and take you upstairs. It needs to include up to 4 months post partum. It should. That's when your file is closed. There is such a gap in care for mums, especially because you get kicked out of the hospital so fast. I know I wanted to leave, but there needs to be more support. You are quite literally alone from 2 days to 14 days and from then until your first OB check up. For me, that's a 6 week gap. Yes, I have a great support system and I'm grateful, but Healthcare needs to be involved. It needs to do better. Yes, the babies are important - I know mine is incredibly important to me ... but they HAVE to take care of mamas. It's just like the mask on the airplane - you Have to put yours on first before you put on anyone else's. Our families, parents, and kids deserve better. What would have happened if I was a single parent? Or a parent who's spouse worked out of town? Or a parent who's family didn't happen to be here/live nearby. That's the reality for MANY parents. That's daily trips to a dirty ER/clinic with a 7 week old. That's trying to take care of a 7 week old while you have blinding pain. That's not being able to hold your baby, but having no one else to do it for you. The system needs work.
And sometimes this is why you make a mountain out of a molehill.
May you NEVER trek mastitis mountain in your travels and at FIRST sight of a molehill - mastitis related or not, seek treatment. Quickly. You will have to fight for some things, but stand tall and trust your gut.
Thanks for standing up for all Moms, indentfying the problem ( such a great first step), and paving a better path Steph! The world gets better because of conversations like this and people like you.
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