I really thought that making some positive changes in my life would almost be like an instant fix. I remained open and honest in my relationships with people and tried really hard to separate my emotions from my words. I tried to remain compassionate and empathetic to others' struggles, all the while feeling like I was crumbling.
Then, I did crumble. I lost it. It built up over a few days straight of little/no sleep, relationship problems, personal struggles, health issues, and school. I crumbled. I was added to a group on facebook to help deal with depression and stuff, and they helped slow the crumbling (to all of you, I am indebted to you), but the crumble was inevitable.
On Friday, I stayed home. I didn't leave my bed for a while and I just sobbed my way to sleep. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. I had let go of toxic people, I had a wonderful support system, school was going well, I was learning to become happier with myself, I was working on my self-esteem, and then I crumbled.
Saturday was a drunken blur. I went to the Alberta Country Music Awards with Steph (there's 2 of us) and had a blast. Drinks were flowing, and so were my thoughts. I distracted myself with more booze & meeting lots of people. I was my regular drunken self, yet if for a moment, I stopped talking or drinking, I almost lost it. I surprisingly remember most of the night and wasn't feeling too bad on Sunday
Sunday, I realized that I'm a walking disaster. A true walking-disaster of self-destruction. I realized that it's going to take more than pretty pictures and a happy smile to feel better, although it is a start. I realized that I can't just smile and expect things to get better because I'm smiling. I realized that I have start the genuine smiling & the genuine confidence to gain any sort of traction with my life.
Today, I sat down while cat-sitting and wrote out my thoughts. Then I sent them to the person that they needed to be sent to. While writing down a huge ramble of thoughts that was eventually going to be sent to this person, I realized that .... I can't count on an answer from them & I could only do what I could. I could only be honest with myself and with that person about my feelings.
I can only do what I can, in that moment to feel better. I can't sit and wonder why my life didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to by the time I reached the quarter-century milestone. Yes, I get it, I have time. However, in my head, this isn't where I was going to be, and that's a huge part of my depression. Now, get this, I simultaneously think that I wouldn't change anything. I'm proud of my accomplishments & I'm proud of what I've done, even if I took the REALLY long way around to get there. However, I have a hard time shaking the thoughts that I had in my head. Where I thought I was going to be.
Now I sit here rambling on with no real purpose for this post. I guess to remain thankful for the people that have stood by me for this mess. To the people that pick up on my depression when I don't even notice it. To the people in the facebook group - you have no idea what it means to me to be a part of it and be able to be honest with people that just want to help lift me up.
To the person I wrote the letter to...That's all I can do, really.
To Steph - thanks for being a good drunk best friend - we really did have a lot of fun.
To everyone else - thank-you for being here for me and making it all the way to the bottom of this rambling piece of work, it's admirable.
Do what you can. Right now. That's all you, and anyone else, can ask for. I promise.
