My scary moment ...

Well,
It's no real secret that I am an addict. I have spoke openly and honestly about it for 6.5 years (or at least for most of those years.) However, I have never spoken in front of a big group of people I didn't know ... until this week. To be clear, I have talked hundreds of times one-on-one, or to a small group, or doing this ... behind a computer screen.

Here's the back story...

On Halloween, my Sociology of Law class went to the court houses to see some cases. I didn't go because I was working. During class on Tuesday, class was mentioning some of the cases they saw and we got into a debate. One case was basically this:

• A lady was being sentenced/reprimanded for breaking her parole. She had spent two nights/days in the Remand Centre.
• This lady was approximately 25 years old, Native American, had 4 children, with one on the way.
• All four of her children are wards of the state, currently.
• She has a 6th grade education.
• She is a crack cocaine addict
• Her breach of probation was doing drugs
• The judge decided that the two days was enough for a probation breach and sent her on her way.

This is where the debate started. M (my professor) asked whether this is really the place to be dealing with this kind of issue. Would it be better in the specialized drug courts? Is she safe right now? Will she be back in the Remand again soon? 

I sat silently and was already uncomfortable with the topic as I had been debating the Rob Ford debacle on twitter an hour previously. (That's a post for another day) When I realized how naive people were regarding drug use, I started to get fired up. People started saying things like "well, if she really wanted to stop, she just would." These are university-educated, mid-twenties+ people. I was dumbfounded by the naivety of my classmates but held my tongue because I was getting more and more upset as the conversation went on.

The conversation turned to a girl who made a crass comment about this lady; that she should be able to change at will, with no help, and that if she REALLY wanted to make the change, she would just do it.

This was the point where I calmly raised my hand. M called on me. (Also, I don't normally raise my hand, especially in a debate like this - none of us do.) I took a deep breath and said "I am a crack addict & I have been clean for 6.5 years. Sometimes, it is not just simply 'get better' or 'if she wants to, she will.' I struggled and had a wonderful support system behind me (even though I didn't think so at the time) and that is part of the reason I am where I am. This young woman has no one & this is probably all she knows."

There was a stunned silence across the room, and people stared at me. M knew that I was nervous, I was visibly holding back some tears and shaking from nerves. I texted two people right after I did that and was able to breathe again. I was told that I was strong & a super hero. I didn't see it, I felt like I just opened a huge can of worms and openly let 40 strangers judge me. I know that judgement comes with the territory, and that's okay, but I've never openly said that to this many people before. Never in 6.5 years.

I was going to talk to M the next day to apologize for making it so intense in the class & for blurting it out. I knew that it made some people uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to me .... I went to class the next day and went to talk to M about something totally unrelated, he looked at me and said, "thank you for sharing what you did yesterday, it was so powerful." I told him that I was going to apologize and he looked at me and said "no, it was so powerful. Other students came to me afterwords and told me how powerful it was. Also, I'm proud to say that given all your circumstances, you're in the top of both of my classes." I replied with a thank-you and wandered back to my seat.

I still don't really know how to take it. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to empower other students and hopefully break some stereotypes they had about addiction. Hopefully they saw that it CAN be overcome and that you can be successful afterwords. I hope they heard the passion in my voice and the shaking in my voice. I hope that they realized that it isn't a simple problem.

Speak up. Let people hear your story. Let people hear you roar. It will be the scariest thing of your life, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.

xo

Some More Addiction Triggers

If you have read any of my previous posts (or read my twitter @BuhlerFerris), or talked to me IRL, you will know tat I'm an addict. I have been clean just shy of 6.5 years. It will actually be 6.5 years in 10 days, on October 25th. I've written about my addiction and my triggers for addiction in previous posts, and I feel the need to write about it again because of what happened yesterday.

Thanksgiving Monday was turkey-day at my mum & her boyfriend's house. My brother and I were going up north to see her and he offered me a ride. He called me on Sunday night so we could figure out details and he asked if I minded if his friend drove and he took his Harley & friend on that. Being me, I asked if the guy driving me was some kind of serial killer or something of that nature. He assured me that A was in fact, not a serial killer, crazy, or psychotic. I said that it was fine because I am normally totally fine talking to people I don't know and striking up conversations about randomness. I figured it would be fine for the hour and a half drive there and then back.

Yesterday morning rolled around and my brother texted me to say he was on his way with C & A. I have never met C or A, so I was nervous because if we didn't get along ... it was going to be a long day. My brother and C got off the bike and I said hi & gave my brother a hug. Then, A got out of the truck and my heart sank and my stomach turned upside down. For the first time in about 6 years, I saw a person that was a dead-ringer for the person who got me hooked on drugs and tried to drag me down and have me kill myself slowly. I've seen lookalikes for D before, but I've been able to get out of the situation before I got too upset or nervous. My hands started sweating and my heart started pounding. I figured it really couldn't be so bad; then A spoke and even his voice sounded just like D's. My heart sank.

We all grabbed our coffee (C & my brother chugged and then got on the bike) and headed out on our way. We needed to make some stops before we headed up north, so this meant even more small talk and being alone with someone who looked like a person I hated. I managed to make small talk and continuously reminded myself that A was NOT the person I hated, regardless of looks and voice. We talked about lots of things, including our own personal vices, which of course brought back even more memories. I never told him that he looked like that person and I consciously made an effort no to think about it. We arrived at mum's and when I hugged mum, I whispered that he looked like D. She immediately asked if I was okay. I really was, I just tried hard to visit with all the other people there and talk to my brother about some important stuff.

The entire time I was at mum's house, I couldn't stop thinking about my addiction and how much A looked like D - a person who convinced me that no one cared, I was on my own, and that it really was a good idea to kill myself slowly. (They did, I wasn't, and it really wasn't a good idea; I can assure you of that) We got in the truck to head home (we had to turn around once because I forgot my purse ... Ooops) and we got back to his house so we could pick up my brother & C. I had told  my brother at mum's house that A looked a LOT like D (who he has met) so he knew that I was really struggling with it. All three of them dropped me off at my house and I was convinced I was fine.

I walked downstairs, crawled into bed, and started bawling. I was so overwhelmed by emotion and feeling. I was trying to remind myself how strong I really am and that this person has NOTHING to do with my addiction, my triggers, or how I feel about the person that tried to kill me. I forced myself to remember that he was actually a really nice person, wasn't trying to hurt me, and was one of my brother's really good friends. Nothing really got me though until I was sent a poem by @DWKM. One line read "I deserve to be here." After reading that, I managed to get everything under control. I spoke a couple other twitter-folk through text message and was reminded that this is simply a reminder of how far I've come, which is really far.

I started to feel silly about feeling so upset by all of this. I then remembered that this is a part of my story and my life. These triggers will likely never go away, I will just learn to deal with them better.

Here's to the next time I spend with A (which will be inevitable considering he's best friends with my brother), here's to another day clean, here's to a time with A where I'm not overcome with emotion, frustration, and sadness.

We're all in this together. Lean when  you need to, cry when you need to, and above all ... stand tall. Do not waiver. You're better than this and you deserve to be here too.

When Opportunity Knocks

I was recently given a crazy opportunity at work .... I'll give you the back-story first though

I was working full time in promotions this year & I hated it. I was never happy at work, I was never happy coming to work, and I was getting physically ill coming into work. I handed my resignation to my boss in the 2nd week of July, making my last day the last Thursday of July. (No, I wouldn't give her the Friday). Meanwhile, I really missed working in the studio. For those of you that don't know, I have worked in the studio at work for the majority of the time I've worked for the company. I went to my potential new boss and basically said "I need shifts ... now. Please." Her response was that she didn't have any of my regular behind-the-scenes shifts, but mentioned that she had some overnight on-air shifts. I told her that I was more than happy to come in and babysit the computer and reminded her that I am not a radio student and have little experience on air. I've been on air multiple times, but never ran a show alone. She told me to go for it ....

Here I am. On the air. Hosting the overnight show at a station I grew up on. My boss from promotions didn't take kindly to my quitting promotions, but right now, at the end of August ... I'm so happy. I'm happy with where my life is at, I'm happy working overnights, I'm HAPPY again.

When opportunity knocks ... take it.

I was also given the opportunity to play for a second slo-pitch team this year - for a few games. A few games turned into a whole season, and I enjoyed every second of it. I've progressed as a player and as an "athlete" (it's slo-pitch) ;-). I love the game, I love the fresh air, and I love being able to get out of my house and do things (for pretty much no money).

In the midst of all this happiness and opportunities though, I've made a lot of self-progress.

I realized that I wanted to change things in my life, so I'm doing it. I wanted to be more happy ... I am working on that every day. I want to change what I look like ... I'm working on that too.

I'm realizing that there are certain people in my life who I used to be really close with that I really have no desire to be close with any more. I don't agree with their choices in life (not that I'm right about it, but it causes a lot of problems for us), so it's put a huge strain on relationships. I realized that when you start making changes in your life, it makes other people uncomfortable. Screw them. You have GOT to make yourself happy before anything else.

Negative people will no longer have a place in my life. I do not have time for the whining, bitching, moaning, and groaning on a constant basis. We all have shitty days, but a shitty day doesn't mean it's a shitty life. If you don't like something - change it. Change you. BE YOU. Grow. Love.

I am proud of how far I've come and am excited to keep growing as a person.

Quit believing that you were only meant for mediocrity. You were meant for greatness; go get it. 

I will not accept your excuses, I will not accept your negativity, and I will not accept you if all you want to do is bring me down. I have no time for that.

I'm ready, life. I'm ready.

Open books & Judgmental People

I have never really been a judgmental person. I don't like judging people at all, let alone before I meet them. However, it is difficult to meet someone that you have heard some crappy things about and still want to be their friend, still want to show them who you are, and still want to make time for them despite the crappy things you've heard. 

I love when these situations prove me wrong. I absolutely adore hearing something that turns out to just be a bunch of bull and meeting someone pretty fantastic. 

I don't want to say names or places, so this is the blacked-out version. :)

I was blessed to have this reminder pop back into my life over the past few weeks. A person I had never met, but only really heard about started hanging out with some people I knew. I had only ever really heard some crappy things about this person. I got to spend some decent time with this person a few weeks ago and I was floored by how wrong people were, then I got to spend some more time with this person by fluke and was even more floored. This person is hated on and judged mercilessly.....for no reason except for jealousy and immaturity. (Nothing that I can figure out anyways)

This whole situation reminded me of ...me. I have learned in my near quarter century (*gulp*) that people either tend to really like me or really really not. No one ever really says "yeah, I kind of like Steph." People often love me and hate me for the same reasons as well. I'm loud, I'm outgoing, I don't beat around the bush, I give you the advice you need to hear, and I'm not terrible looking. Apparently these are all reasons to love and hate me.

I started thinking about what people have heard about me before they met me. I hope that there are more people out there that have heard good things rather than bad things, but either way ... it reminded me that we should all take a step back. We should think about where these hurtful words about people are coming from, and still jump in the deep end and give them a shot. If you don't, you could miss out on a really great person in your life, and I'm not sure about you, but I love having great people in my life. 

This all sounds so .... odd now that I re-read it, but it was really important to me. I think sometimes we all need a good reminder not to judge a book by the cover, or judge people based on what you hear. I'm very glad that people have overcame what they heard about me or what they thought I was ... some of my best friends overcame what they thought I was ... (*Chelsea*) ... and now we're closer than ever.

Life's a good thing. Life's short. Give people a shot, it'll be worth it.

-S

6 Years Ago.

6 years ago I was focused on where to get my next fix. Today, I'm focused on school work.

6 years ago I was a gaunt, deathly-looking 115 pounds. Today, I'm a much healthier weight. (And I don't look like the grim reaper)

6 years ago I was getting high. Today, I work every day to be a better person than yesterday.

6 years ago I told my family I hated them. I watched my family cry in hurt and fear. Today, I forgive myself for telling them those lies, apologize for hurting them, and love them more than anything.

5.5 years ago I was terrified that my friends and family would shun me for being an addict. I was terrified they wouldn't want me around them or their kids. Today, I am reminded that my family and those that truly matter opened their arms and said "Welcome home."

Today, I am thankful for what I've gone through. I wouldn't change it. I am a stronger person for this, and a better person for this. I lost some friends along the way, but the people that matter around around in full force.

Today, I am happy, healthy, and clean for 6 years.

Thank-you. Thank-you for opening your arms and supporting me. Thank-you for loving me for who I am, addict and all, thank-you for being there when I go through the bad days, and thank-you for just being you. I love you all more than you know.