I was driving home tonight on ominous roads, when a certain song came on. I listened to it a LOT when I was an addict, when I was using, and when I was with the boy (he was certainly not a man) who tried to destroy me; he tried to break me into what he was. A lot of things trigger my addiction. People talking about it without knowing, or people talking about it who do know, random things, scents, music, tons. Tonight was different though. As I was driving, I was immediately taken back to a night (almost like this) where the roads were treacherous and I drove into Edmonton from Nisku with one thing on my mind: my addiction. (And seeing him.) I remember making the phone call to him saying I would be late because the roads were bad, I remember driving him back to nisku and us getting into his work truck to get high and drive to Calgary. We listened to that song. The fact that the memory was so vivid was shocking. I often think about my addiction. I think about using again, I think about him, but I don't have many very vivid memories of doing it as my mind was very hazy. I remember the songs we used to listen to, I remember almost getting arrested, I remember overdosing twice and still wanting more.
I am not proud of who I was then, but I AM proud of overcoming it. I'm proud that I fought the battle of a lifetime and that I've made it just over 5 years. I'm honored that I have people in my life who accept me for me. "Me" comes with an addiction. One that won't go away, one that still haunts me.
I don't actually know why I'm writing this, but something struck me so profoundly when I was on my way home and that memory came back. I felt like I needed to say it.
Things will always trigger my addiction and I just want people to know that it doesn't make people bad. Good people make poor decisions all the time. I'll have to deal with it everyday. I have to deal with the triggers, the sweaty palms, the choices I made, and the songs that break my heart.
This is all a healing process - it takes time.
If you've made it this far, I commend you. Thanks for reading my 330AM ramblings about what may seem like something beyond trivial. Maybe it is trivial - but I had to write it anyways.
Also - I urge you, if you struggle with an addiction: YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME IT. Addiction doesn't define who you are - it is just a part of who you are. It's a mark on your life, a scar, and a lesson learned. You are stronger than any substance and any person that tries to break you. I promise
