Heartache. Friendship. Loving Yourself.

It has been quite some time since I have posted last and I need to write.

My heart aches, my head aches, my body aches.

My heart aching is an understatement. It fucking hurts. End of story. It hurts. It has taken a beating the last few weeks and it hurts.

This week, I stepped on the scale after my vacation, saw the number, and started bawling. I have never seen a number so high on a scale I was standing on ... ever. I vowed that I would never get that high again and started to take healthy eating steps and figuring out my life at that moment. I spoke to a few friends about my "need to lose weight" situation and I realized that it wasn't even the number I hated: it was myself. My friend Tyson (@TBagLenz) said the words "no amount of exercise is going to make you love yourself, Steph." That struck a chord. Yes, working out will help me feel better in a literal sense, but it really isn't going to make me love myself. My weight is a number; a number I have struggled with for the majority of 25 years. My issue isn't my weight, my issue is me. I need to find a place where I'm okay with myself first. Everything will fall into place after that (words of wisdom from Mama Buhler.)

In my talk with Tyson, I realized partly why I wasn't okay with loving myself at this weight. I feel like I'm cheating if I love myself like this. That if I say those words "you know, I really love myself today," that I'm telling myself "oh, it's okay that you've gained this much weight." In my eyes, it is not okay. No, people can't guess what I weight and I'm grateful that I carry my weight a lot better than I did 10 years ago, but I still know it.

So ... I'm taking steps to love myself. I'm trying. I really am.

Fast forward to the next day, when someone used the cover of a computer screen to insult me and really shake me. In February, I did a boudoir photo shoot. I was unbelievably proud of myself for doing the shoot and it really did help myself feel better. The person used that photo (posted at the end of March) to call me ugly. Ugly. While my confidence is not at it's highest, I have never used the word "ugly" to describe myself. I am not ugly. My soul isn't ugly. His comments shook me though, and again, I leaned on my friends for help and a shoulder to cry on. I tried to understand the cruelty behind his words, but I don't. I love people & I want all people to have an equal shot at being the best they can be. I look for the best in everyone (which has gotten me into trouble), I cheer for people to succeed, and I cry when people are hurting, so I simply don't understand how someone could be so cruel.

This is the photo he used to call me ugly. 

I spoke to a co-worker about the weight issue & I'm not actually sure how it came up, but it did. I mentioned my weight and he actually looked stunned at the number. I said that I had gained weight in the 4 years that I've worked here. He said "the only thing I've noticed is that you've gotten 'hippier.'" It was the first time in a long time that I felt like those words weren't condescending, that they weren't meant to hurt or shame or be mean ... that it was an honest "I like the shape you are." "Hippier" was not a synonym for "fat" and it was the first time that my brain actually recognized that. So, Scotty, thank-you. Thank-you for reminding me that hourglassy-hippy-curvy is okay. That it isn't a synonym for fat. Thank-you for saying "hippier" in such a way, whether you meant it or not, that I took it as a wonderful thing.

Fast forward one more day.

My boyfriend and I broke up. In an odd circumstance, which doesn't need to be detailed, it happened. I felt my self-worth drop even further, even though we are taking steps to being friends and making that work. I bawled like a baby for a while and again, ran to my friends. I'm not sure I would have gotten through my day without my friends. I went to a friends house for a hug and ended up laying on the couch while he told me it was going to be okay and that he was there for me. For that, I'm forever grateful. For Sheena (@Arbitral) ... I have no words for you. You are simply amazing and have graciously gotten me through the past few days with your kindness.

I guess what I'm saying ... is that I'm a work in progress. It's okay to be a work in progress. While I may not be confident in my exterior, it is coming. I am confident in my heart and soul though. I have a big heart, a gracious heart, and a kind heart. I have friends that constantly remind me of this on a daily basis. To the people that have been there the past few days of crazy-town and tears ... I love you.

Sheena, Chelsea, Mum, Chase, & Tyson: you guys have been my rock and support. You remind me every day that I'm worth it, that it's okay to cry, and you help me dust myself off when I fall down. You all remind me that I have a beautiful heart AND a beautiful exterior.

This smile gets me more compliments than any other feature. I'm proud of this smile. I'm proud of the fact I have a big heart and genuine soul.