If you have read any of my previous posts (or read my twitter @BuhlerFerris), or talked to me IRL, you will know tat I'm an addict. I have been clean just shy of 6.5 years. It will actually be 6.5 years in 10 days, on October 25th. I've written about my addiction and my triggers for addiction in previous posts, and I feel the need to write about it again because of what happened yesterday.
Thanksgiving Monday was turkey-day at my mum & her boyfriend's house. My brother and I were going up north to see her and he offered me a ride. He called me on Sunday night so we could figure out details and he asked if I minded if his friend drove and he took his Harley & friend on that. Being me, I asked if the guy driving me was some kind of serial killer or something of that nature. He assured me that A was in fact, not a serial killer, crazy, or psychotic. I said that it was fine because I am normally totally fine talking to people I don't know and striking up conversations about randomness. I figured it would be fine for the hour and a half drive there and then back.
Yesterday morning rolled around and my brother texted me to say he was on his way with C & A. I have never met C or A, so I was nervous because if we didn't get along ... it was going to be a long day. My brother and C got off the bike and I said hi & gave my brother a hug. Then, A got out of the truck and my heart sank and my stomach turned upside down. For the first time in about 6 years, I saw a person that was a dead-ringer for the person who got me hooked on drugs and tried to drag me down and have me kill myself slowly. I've seen lookalikes for D before, but I've been able to get out of the situation before I got too upset or nervous. My hands started sweating and my heart started pounding. I figured it really couldn't be so bad; then A spoke and even his voice sounded just like D's. My heart sank.
We all grabbed our coffee (C & my brother chugged and then got on the bike) and headed out on our way. We needed to make some stops before we headed up north, so this meant even more small talk and being alone with someone who looked like a person I hated. I managed to make small talk and continuously reminded myself that A was NOT the person I hated, regardless of looks and voice. We talked about lots of things, including our own personal vices, which of course brought back even more memories. I never told him that he looked like that person and I consciously made an effort no to think about it. We arrived at mum's and when I hugged mum, I whispered that he looked like D. She immediately asked if I was okay. I really was, I just tried hard to visit with all the other people there and talk to my brother about some important stuff.
The entire time I was at mum's house, I couldn't stop thinking about my addiction and how much A looked like D - a person who convinced me that no one cared, I was on my own, and that it really was a good idea to kill myself slowly. (They did, I wasn't, and it really wasn't a good idea; I can assure you of that) We got in the truck to head home (we had to turn around once because I forgot my purse ... Ooops) and we got back to his house so we could pick up my brother & C. I had told my brother at mum's house that A looked a LOT like D (who he has met) so he knew that I was really struggling with it. All three of them dropped me off at my house and I was convinced I was fine.
I walked downstairs, crawled into bed, and started bawling. I was so overwhelmed by emotion and feeling. I was trying to remind myself how strong I really am and that this person has NOTHING to do with my addiction, my triggers, or how I feel about the person that tried to kill me. I forced myself to remember that he was actually a really nice person, wasn't trying to hurt me, and was one of my brother's really good friends. Nothing really got me though until I was sent a poem by @DWKM. One line read "I deserve to be here." After reading that, I managed to get everything under control. I spoke a couple other twitter-folk through text message and was reminded that this is simply a reminder of how far I've come, which is really far.
I started to feel silly about feeling so upset by all of this. I then remembered that this is a part of my story and my life. These triggers will likely never go away, I will just learn to deal with them better.
Here's to the next time I spend with A (which will be inevitable considering he's best friends with my brother), here's to another day clean, here's to a time with A where I'm not overcome with emotion, frustration, and sadness.
We're all in this together. Lean when you need to, cry when you need to, and above all ... stand tall. Do not waiver. You're better than this and you deserve to be here too.
