Not even remotely serious ...

I have so many words to say, but I can't right now ... it's 0418 in the morning and I'm at work. My brain is a little bit frazzled right now! I'll post about my graduation this week sometime, I hope.

Until then .... I've always loved this song & I played it a couple times in the studio tonight. It always makes me giggle when I hear it and sing along (in true country girl fashion).

Never Done It Like This -- Steven Lee Olsen

You've been swimming in a river in the daylight that's for sure, sat up on a tailgate and rode shotgun before, but trust me when I
tell you girl there's so much more you missed,... cause you ain't never done it like this

Getting down in a truck bed, skinny dipping making the moon turn red, fogging up the windows with the midnight kiss, 

one night in
the country with me honey I can guarantee you ain't never done it like this, 

done it like this

Now ill tell you all my secrets if you tell me yours, maybe I can show you what the hood is for, you've pushed the limit, tasted
honey on your lips, but you ain't never done it like this,.....

Course
Getting down in a truck bed, skinny dipping making the moon turn red, fogging up the windows with the midnight kiss, one night in
the country with me honey,

 I can guarantee you ain't never done it like this, 
never done it like this
come on

Getting down in a truck bed, skinny dipping making the moon turn red, fogging up the windows with the midnight kiss, one night in
the country with me honey I can guarantee that you ain't never done it like 

Getting down in a truck bed, skinny dipping making the moon blush red, fogging up the windows with the midnight kiss, one night in
the country with me honey I can guarantee that you ain't never done it like this, never done it like,.... this

Heartache. Friendship. Loving Yourself.

It has been quite some time since I have posted last and I need to write.

My heart aches, my head aches, my body aches.

My heart aching is an understatement. It fucking hurts. End of story. It hurts. It has taken a beating the last few weeks and it hurts.

This week, I stepped on the scale after my vacation, saw the number, and started bawling. I have never seen a number so high on a scale I was standing on ... ever. I vowed that I would never get that high again and started to take healthy eating steps and figuring out my life at that moment. I spoke to a few friends about my "need to lose weight" situation and I realized that it wasn't even the number I hated: it was myself. My friend Tyson (@TBagLenz) said the words "no amount of exercise is going to make you love yourself, Steph." That struck a chord. Yes, working out will help me feel better in a literal sense, but it really isn't going to make me love myself. My weight is a number; a number I have struggled with for the majority of 25 years. My issue isn't my weight, my issue is me. I need to find a place where I'm okay with myself first. Everything will fall into place after that (words of wisdom from Mama Buhler.)

In my talk with Tyson, I realized partly why I wasn't okay with loving myself at this weight. I feel like I'm cheating if I love myself like this. That if I say those words "you know, I really love myself today," that I'm telling myself "oh, it's okay that you've gained this much weight." In my eyes, it is not okay. No, people can't guess what I weight and I'm grateful that I carry my weight a lot better than I did 10 years ago, but I still know it.

So ... I'm taking steps to love myself. I'm trying. I really am.

Fast forward to the next day, when someone used the cover of a computer screen to insult me and really shake me. In February, I did a boudoir photo shoot. I was unbelievably proud of myself for doing the shoot and it really did help myself feel better. The person used that photo (posted at the end of March) to call me ugly. Ugly. While my confidence is not at it's highest, I have never used the word "ugly" to describe myself. I am not ugly. My soul isn't ugly. His comments shook me though, and again, I leaned on my friends for help and a shoulder to cry on. I tried to understand the cruelty behind his words, but I don't. I love people & I want all people to have an equal shot at being the best they can be. I look for the best in everyone (which has gotten me into trouble), I cheer for people to succeed, and I cry when people are hurting, so I simply don't understand how someone could be so cruel.

This is the photo he used to call me ugly. 

I spoke to a co-worker about the weight issue & I'm not actually sure how it came up, but it did. I mentioned my weight and he actually looked stunned at the number. I said that I had gained weight in the 4 years that I've worked here. He said "the only thing I've noticed is that you've gotten 'hippier.'" It was the first time in a long time that I felt like those words weren't condescending, that they weren't meant to hurt or shame or be mean ... that it was an honest "I like the shape you are." "Hippier" was not a synonym for "fat" and it was the first time that my brain actually recognized that. So, Scotty, thank-you. Thank-you for reminding me that hourglassy-hippy-curvy is okay. That it isn't a synonym for fat. Thank-you for saying "hippier" in such a way, whether you meant it or not, that I took it as a wonderful thing.

Fast forward one more day.

My boyfriend and I broke up. In an odd circumstance, which doesn't need to be detailed, it happened. I felt my self-worth drop even further, even though we are taking steps to being friends and making that work. I bawled like a baby for a while and again, ran to my friends. I'm not sure I would have gotten through my day without my friends. I went to a friends house for a hug and ended up laying on the couch while he told me it was going to be okay and that he was there for me. For that, I'm forever grateful. For Sheena (@Arbitral) ... I have no words for you. You are simply amazing and have graciously gotten me through the past few days with your kindness.

I guess what I'm saying ... is that I'm a work in progress. It's okay to be a work in progress. While I may not be confident in my exterior, it is coming. I am confident in my heart and soul though. I have a big heart, a gracious heart, and a kind heart. I have friends that constantly remind me of this on a daily basis. To the people that have been there the past few days of crazy-town and tears ... I love you.

Sheena, Chelsea, Mum, Chase, & Tyson: you guys have been my rock and support. You remind me every day that I'm worth it, that it's okay to cry, and you help me dust myself off when I fall down. You all remind me that I have a beautiful heart AND a beautiful exterior.

This smile gets me more compliments than any other feature. I'm proud of this smile. I'm proud of the fact I have a big heart and genuine soul. 

Do what you can

The past few weeks have been absolutely insane. My last semester at school started again, depression set in yet again, I met new people, I let people go.

I really thought that making some positive changes in my life would almost be like an instant fix. I remained open and honest in my relationships with people and tried really hard to separate my emotions from my words. I tried to remain compassionate and empathetic to others' struggles, all the while feeling like I was crumbling.

Then, I did crumble. I lost it. It built up over a few days straight of little/no sleep, relationship problems, personal struggles, health issues, and school. I crumbled. I was added to a group on facebook to help deal with depression and stuff, and they helped slow the crumbling (to all of you, I am indebted to you), but the crumble was inevitable.

On Friday, I stayed home. I didn't leave my bed for a while and I just sobbed my way to sleep. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. I had let go of toxic people, I had a wonderful support system, school was going well, I was learning to become happier with myself, I was working on my self-esteem, and then I crumbled.

Saturday was a drunken blur. I went to the Alberta Country Music Awards with Steph (there's 2 of us) and had a blast. Drinks were flowing, and so were my thoughts. I distracted myself with more booze & meeting lots of people. I was my regular drunken self, yet if for a moment, I stopped talking or drinking, I almost lost it. I surprisingly remember most of the night and wasn't feeling too bad on Sunday

Sunday, I realized that I'm a walking disaster. A true walking-disaster of self-destruction. I realized that it's going to take more than pretty pictures and a happy smile to feel better, although it is a start. I realized that I can't just smile and expect things to get better because I'm smiling. I realized that I have start the genuine smiling & the genuine confidence to gain any sort of traction with my life.

Today, I sat down while cat-sitting and wrote out my thoughts. Then I sent them to the person that they needed to be sent to. While writing down a huge ramble of thoughts that was eventually going to be sent to this person, I realized that .... I can't count on an answer from them & I could only do what I could. I could only be honest with myself and with that person about my feelings.

I can only do what I can, in that moment to feel better. I can't sit and wonder why my life didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to by the time I reached the quarter-century milestone. Yes, I get it, I have time. However, in my head, this isn't where I was going to be, and that's a huge part of my depression. Now, get this, I simultaneously think that I wouldn't change anything. I'm proud of my accomplishments & I'm proud of what I've done, even if I took the REALLY long way around to get there. However, I have a hard time shaking the thoughts that I had in my head. Where I thought I was going to be.

Now I sit here rambling on with no real purpose for this post. I guess to remain thankful for the people that have stood by me for this mess. To the people that pick up on my depression when I don't even notice it. To the people in the facebook group - you have no idea what it means to me to be a part of it and be able to be honest with people that just want to help lift me up.

To the person I wrote the letter to...That's all I can do, really.

To Steph - thanks for being a good drunk best friend - we really did have a lot of fun.

To everyone else - thank-you for being here for me and making it all the way to the bottom of this rambling piece of work, it's admirable.

Do what you can. Right now. That's all you, and anyone else, can ask for. I promise.