Just a different story

I haven't posted in a while - I blame Vegas. My LV post will come. Promise.

I went out for coffee today with a woman I haven't seen in a few years. I reached out and contacted her a few weeks ago and we decided to grab a coffee. We shared what has been going on in the past few years for us both. I shared with her something that I hadn't told anyone (except for my mum) in a long time. Part of the reason I don't really hang out with her group of friends anymore is because I don't feel as though I belong. All of the group is married and/or has children. Last year on Facebook I watched as countless childhood friends uploaded pictures of their children and updated their relationship statuses to engaged or married.

Fast forward through our coffee chat and Bekah said something that I really needed to hear. "You DO belong, your story is just different." I've been thinking about that since I left her at 3 o clock. I KNOW I am supposed to get married and be a mum...just not yet. It doesn't always make it easier, but she is right. This is MY story, and my story is different. I DO belong, just as she does and just as everyone else does.

Thank-you for speaking the words that I needed to hear. I'm beyond blessed to have gone out for coffee with you today.

Today i'm just ....

Today was a long day.

First off, I didn't sleep long enough last night so I'm exhausted. I've overwhelmed with midterms, packing, organizing, sleeping, papers, etc. So, today, although I had a great time at coffee with Stefan and an enjoyable girl date with Dana ... I'm just done.

I went to Ikea tonight and bought some more organizing boxes (guys, I still need help) and on the way home I was just .... argh.

So today, just today, the world wins.

I'm going back to bed and the world can just have today.

Expect me to be back tomorrow though world ... with a vengeance.

Let's Talk .... Addiction

So as I said in my last post, I mentioned addiction. I think it's important to bring this up today too, as it kind of ties in with mental health.

I'm on a roll with being open and candid, so here goes.

I am a crack addict.

I have been clean for almost 5 years.

That's basically the story. I take full responsibility for my actions while high and while sober - they are my own actions. However, my addiction took a toll on my mental health (you may have guessed) Crack cocaine depletes your serotonin system in a serious way. Serotonin = pleasure center. For those who do not know how hard-core a cocaine/crack cocaine addiction is (they ARE different) there was once a study with rats and cocaine. Basically, the rats got a little push pedal that delivered cocaine right to their brain. They continued to push the lever, because it felt gooooooooood. Cocaine stopped coming out after a while. These rats STARVED TO DEATH because they kept pushing the pedal. They dehydrated because they would not move away from the lever even when they weren't getting cocaine.

Anyways, enough neuro-biology. My main point of this is that this is a sensitive topic for me. I understand that "being crack-head" is some sort of sick joke in some circles and that it's somehow funny. These people (myself included) suffer from ADDICTION. I cannot stand the naivety and ignorance of people. Today, in one of my classes my professor made a joke referencing quitting crack and crack-heads - normally this doesn't bother me, BUT, I was in a terrible mood today, did not need to be reminded of it and then the class LAUGHED. I sat there with my head down and I was mad. The ignorance of people to sit there and LAUGH at something they know nothing about. To me, this is like a rape joke - it's not funny. You are probably offending a scary statistic of women and men by joking about it.

I can tell you right now (and my family will stand behind me on this) .... there was NOTHING funny about my addiction to crack. So, educate yourself and quit being so ignorant.

Let's Talk .... Mental Health

I learned today that it's Let's Talk Mental Health Day. To be honest, I'm not sure what this all entails, but hey, let's talk about it.

Mental health seems to be some sort of taboo subject in today's society and it really should not be. It is a serious, not to mention dangerous, thing if you suffer from it or know someone who suffers from it. Mental health problems come in all shapes and sizes and varying levels of seriousness. It can range from paranoid schizophrenia to depression to anxiety disorders to bipolar.

I'm going to be candid here - I suffer from bipolar disorder and have for most of my life. After battling more highs than lows all through school I still could not understand that even when I was "happy" it did not seem like it. There were times where I had so much "great" in my life and I just could not deal. It was affecting my school, my thoughts, my sleep, my relationships, everything. I had a huge bout of depression when my parents split up when I was 15. I was already plagued by being a ghost at school, being chubby, not having many friends, regular 15-year old girl stuff and then my parents split up. I was an ANGRY 15 year old, and I was mean. Straight up MEAN. In our house though, suffering from depression was NOT an excuse to be mean. We were kept accountable for our actions. It did not matter if you were depressed, angry, mad, whatever, if you said or did something out of line, you got called out for it THEN. Depression is not an excuse to be mean/rude/ignorant/awful.

So, skipping a few years, my parents got back together, I still struggled with depression and there was another major bout when I was in grade 12. I had a great boyfriend, pretty rad life, but couldn't pull myself out of this.

Fast forward a few more years and I was getting clean from a drug addiction (I'll explain in my next blog post) and sure as shit, I was massively depressed. I was mean, I slept 15-17 hours a night, I was miserable. THEN - I got some help. It was the first time I got help and gave it an honest shot. I learned that between the fact that I was already bipolar, plagued by large depressive episodes, AND that I did drugs, my brain chemistry was all sorts of messed up. Why should I be ashamed of that?! Are people that break their arm and have a cast ashamed of that cast??! NO! I am NOT ashamed (anymore) that my brain chemistry kind of just does its own thing and that I need to get HELP with that. It was a serious issue. (It still is)

This summer, I fell into more depression and the tell-tale bipolar swings were taking their toll on me. I tried to hide it as best as I could, but I failed miserably and my relationships were suffering big-time. I had a falling out with my best friend and we still haven't recovered. (I'm not sure we will to be totally honest) I decided to go get help again this October and it's the best decision I've made in a long time.

This is just my story on Mental Health - there's more out there and I encourage you to TALK about them. Educate people around you. Show people that there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Also - if you know someone that is suffering from depression, or any kind of serious mental health issue encourage them to get some help. If you think it is beyond your capacity to deal with it please call a professional. I can tell you from experience that the person will probably not be happy with you, but they will come around. It's better for them to be alive to hate you than dead.

If you need help right NOW, please call someone. Talk to your friend, talk to your family, hell, leave me an anonymous message and I'll do what I can to point you in the right direction. Please, just don't be shy about talking about it. Your life is so precious and there are ways to get help. Please recognize the signs and symptoms and do NOT be embarrassed about talking about it - whether it be with people on twitter, your friends, your family, or your doctor.

Let's Talk.

I need help ...

Just a quick note before I go to bed...

I really want to become more organized and while I have a fairly good grip on things for my office, I am ALWAYS looking for more ideas, more tips, websites with tips, etc. I'm also looking for a cheap place to get organizational boxes. ...that's a lie. I know the dollar store has tons, and I have some, but then I'm not sure what to put in where and it stresses me out. (I know, I'm weird)

I am also looking for ways to organize my bedroom. It's a decent size, and the closet is kind of odd, so I struggle with what to do.

Any thoughts, tips, ideas, de-stressing ways, photos, etc would be appreciated. Really.

Have a great night!!

Letting Go

I guess this isn't too rant-y, but a little deeper and a little bit more serious.

This summer was an interesting one. I got closer to my best friend, a person that I was in love with. Without getting into all the details, we went to a wedding together and things were amazing. We stayed up talking until 6 that morning and I realized how much I loved him and how scared I was to tell him, even though I thought he knew. I went over to Chelsea's house the next day and cried because I wasn't sure what to do. We talked every day since then, and then not even 10 days later I got a message from him asking what I said to someone I didn't know. I replied I had no idea what he was talking about and sent him a lengthy message asking how he could think I would do something like that. I haven't heard from him since - this was in August.

Now, I've been told by many people that he isn't worth my time and that if it was meant to be, it will. I've been told that he did not treat me that well in the first place and that he wasn't worth my heart in the first place.

This may all be true; however, it didn't, and still doesn't help my heart. I can't help that I fell in love with him, I can't help that it hurt. Now, almost 6 full months later, I'm learning to let go. I have a tattoo on my collar bone that says "Let Go" and I originally got it to remind myself to let go of things I can't stress about. While I can't change this man's feelings towards me or what he thinks I have done to wrong him, I CAN Let Go. I can Let Go and feel better about myself. He does not define me, nor do his actions. He tried to strip away my entire character and it worked ... but not anymore. I'm done. I'm Letting Go.

~Love~

Midterms

I have so much on my mind right now, and a more rant-y post for later, but for right now it shall be cheerful. Midterm season is upon me and I have written 3 so far this year. I have one on Valentines as well. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been writing flashcards for my studying purposes. That said, my Forensic Psychology prof said that she had our short answer marks done, but she was still waiting on our multiple choice marks from the scantron people. My plan was to go to her office this afternoon and go over my short answer with her, just to alleviate some stress as this exam had really stressed me out. I got to her office to look over everything and she had actually hand-marked my multiple choice because I do my exams separate from the class and my scantron didn't make it to the scantron people in time. So, she gives it to me and says, "you got over 100%, you don't need to look it over." I got 15/14 on the SA, and 37/36 on the multiple choice. I missed ONE MC question, but because I got the two bonus multiple choice questions right, I still made it over the 100% mark!!

My mark is 104%!!! I almost peed my pants right there in her office; then I proceeded to walk through the school with a goofy-ass grin plastered on my face. Wooot!!! I'm so proud of myself, as this is definitely not the norm for me (or anyone??!!) and I studied my pants off for it!!

So, I'm just patting myself on the back here. Flashcards are my friend (and they could be yours!!)

Be prepared for a deeper/more rant-y post later.

Cheers.

Opinions & Assholes

So, I'm laying in bed watching this Oilers game. (I love Sam Gagner!!) I've been on twitter on and off today and I have to say: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.

With this said though, there's a difference between giving your opinion and being an asshole about it. I have ZERO issue with people speaking their mind. I do, however, have issues with people that are rude about it. Make your point, say what's on your mind and heart, then let it go. Chances are you won't change the mind of the person you're talking with.

Just sayin. <3

Also, if anyone has any topics they want to hear MY random opinion on, or has any random questions for me, leave a comment! You can also tweet or DM me at @BuhlerFerris.

Perogies, cold, best friends, and studying.

I live in a basement suite with Chelsea. Our heat is really awkward sometimes and so it's really cold in here today. We could both just be wusses, but it's true. I'm wearing slippers and drinking tea. (I always drink tea though, so I'm not sure if that's relevant) Still though, it's 4 degrees outside, so I should not have to wear slippers in my home. My landlady isn't home and won't be home for a few more weeks, so no one is changing the temperature upstairs....although, there's a cat named Houdini up there that could be magical at changing the thermostat.

Someonnnnnne is bringing Chelsea and I perogies tonight. You have no idea how thankful I am, and how much I love perogies. Last spring during exam season, I ate nothing but perogies and fried onions for 5 days. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, everything. How I did not turn into a blimp is beyond me. You can think I'm disgusting if you want, but perogies are my comfort food. (Chelsea will disagree with me: chocolate is comfort food)

I am also studying right now ... well, not right this instant, but I was. I'm taking a break. I should tell you all that I'm very compulsive when it comes to my notes, my studying, and anything that has to do with schoolwork. My notes, calendar, day-planner, and flashcards are all colour-coded. Even my calendar's colours have codes. Underline means 1 week until due, fully highlighted means due, and a box means "that's what to do that day."

I recently learned that flashcards really help me study. Call me a loser if you want, but whatever works. They have been doing well for me, so I'll keep doing them. Oh, my index card cases are also colour coded to match my current colour-coding scheme. I have also started doing a 20-5 minute pattern. I study hard for 20 minutes, break for 5, study 20, break 5, study 20, break 5, study 20, break 20. Repeat. Works well for me (and helps out my ADD)

Me and Chelsea!

Chelsea has a migraine and this is her right now:

dirty little freak

dirty little freak.

"so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways....we will never be, never be anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks"

Oh yeah!

I forgot to tell you all....

I leave for Vegas with my best friend ever in 14 days! We're heading there to just ... be crazy for 5 days before returning to midterms, tests, report cards, and teaching. Oh yeah, Chels is a teacher! She's pretty rad, even if I do make fun of her for being an education major.

Oh, and ... I hate leggings. Some people can pull them off, most people cannot. If you wear a long shirt, fine. However, leggings are not to be worn in place of pants and a regular shirt - that is never okay. I don't care if you are a size 0 or 20. Leggings are not pants.

I also have a love affair with anything that involves psychopaths, criminology, forensic psychology, serial killers (Ted Bundy was my favourite), and psychology in general. (Except for methods - it is definitely not my favourite class, that's for sure.)

I am a little bit ADD (for real, I'm in the Disabilities program at school) and you will probably notice that through the blog posts if you haven't already noticed. :P

I have no tolerance for people that are unkind - I surely understand having a bad day and throwing out mean words about people here and there, but impolite, rude and mean people do not have a place in my life. I'm not like that and I refuse to spend time with people that put all that negative energy out into the world.

I have a lot of tea. I drink at least 3-4 go-mugs of tea a day, sometimes more, not often less. David's Tea is my haven.

Speaking of havens ... besides my bedroom, Chapters is also my haven. I think I could live there. Legit.

That's all I can think of for now - I should go to sleep even though it's super early. I am one tired out girl ... maybe it is from all the planning about skipping school. ;-)

Love and peace.

More me!

This is me. I was pretty cute, if I do say so myself. I loved the ninja turtles & Donnatello was obviously my favourite.

Just starting out.

Well, I'm just starting out here, and I'm not too sure what to say. I seemed to get a pretty great go-ahead within minutes of posting on twitter that I wanted to start a blog. (Follow me if you're not at @BuhlerFerris)

If you do not already know, I play on my last name a LOT. I have gone through many years of teasing, laughing and joking about the name and I have heard them all. I have learned to embrace it - especially because it was one of the coolest movies ever. If you've never seen it, you probably should.

So here, I suppose I should tell you a little bit about me.

I go to school full time and I major in psychology and minor in sociology. I'm in the Bachelor of Arts program in a University in Edmonton. 75% of the time, I really love what I learn and embrace it, then midterms come, assignments, papers, and sleepless nights and I kind of hate it. However, I'm learning to enjoy more of it as it probably (hopefully?) won't last much longer. It's been a long road so far.

I grew up on a farm and wouldn't trade that upbringing for the world. I learned more about hard work, hard labour, loving animals, privacy and quiet than I think I ever could in the city. I live for branding season and for the annual May Long Weekend celebration that we have every year. (We burn the Christmas trees from the previous year!)

I hate lying, cheating, and dishonesty. I think that everyone says that, but I have no quams "rocking the boat" and my older sister/best friend has a love/hate relationship with me about that. If someone hurts my feelings, I will tell them - I don't care if that is going to make things worse. You chose that time and place to hurt my feelings (knowingly or not) and I will choose that time and place to call you out on it for being a douche.

According to most of my friends, I'm an extrovert. I am very social, however, I choose to spend most nights hanging out home and keeping things low key. I like excitement once and a while, but I really just like being lazy at home watching TV or doing something "equally as cool."

I'm not sure what else I should let you know here, but I promise that I'll be more entertaining in the future ....

I always tell people "I don't have big boobs or an ass, but at least I'm funny," so I hope you'll laugh at least once or twice reading about my insanity.