A girl with depression

I am Steph
I have purple hair and 10 tattoos.
I am a fighter, a survivor, and a lover.
I am an addict.
I use humour as a defense mechanism.
I also have Bipolar II disorder.

Bipolar II is a disorder in which I swing from major depressive episodes to hypomania. To add to the excitement (see, there's my humour again) I am a rapid cycler, and my mania is actually more like a childhood/adolescent form of mania. In adolescents/children mania is usually characterized as extreme bouts of irritability and less need for sleep (among other symptoms.) So, the rapid cycling takes a toll on me, as does the bouts of irritability and long peroiods of MDD. (Major Depressive Disorder)

Now. I am a person with BPII. That does not, and will not define me. However, the last few days have taken their toll on me. I actually had a great week, I got to spend time with my family, with kids, with my dad, and be out at the farm for a week. I love the farm - the silence, the peace, the fireplace, the everything. Today was different. Today I swung really low. I slept all day (I have a tendency to do that when things start to go downhill), and when I woke up, I was on the verge of tears (or crying) the whole time.

Today was the first time in a VERY long time that I felt that I could not overcome this and that my entire identity was simply "depressed." I felt that I lost everything else about me and all I could focus on was the tears and heartache. I hugged my dad and burst into tears, I drove my car while crying, I got through a drink with a friend, then started crying again. Today was the first time that I thought I might lose this lifelong battle with a terrible illness.

I hear all the time that people think I'm a strong person, that I have overcome so much, that I just need to hold on, and that things will all be okay, because I've done this before.

Here's a secret though

I never thought I would lose this battle. 

Today, I broke. I need more help than I have right now, and I am no longer afraid to admit that. I need my friends to help me stay afloat and not let me sink. I need my own self to hold on longer. Just keep holding on. That is the thought running through my head. I have the sneaking other thoughts too though, "what if this doesn't actually work out? what if I lose this battle? what if all I'm ever known for is depression?"

I told Chelsea today of the things I want. I just looked back over the list and realized that I still want things for other people more than I want things for myself. This is an odd conundrum to be in. I want my parents to be back together, I want my sister to live closer, I want the one that got away to come back into my life (I still love you), and I want a particular someone in my life to stop being afraid of feeling. Feelings are okay. Take my hand - let's do this together. After ALL of that, I said "...and I want to stop waking up crying.)

I need to remember to fight for ME first. I can't be the helpful, strong, bubbly, enigma of a person for others unless I can do it for myself first.

I have to stand up and fight. Tonight....tonight, I'm not ready to do that. Tomorrow I will fight, and I will find more strength to hold onto the rope that is keeping my head above water.

Now, you may not think that this is a serious illness and that there are worse illnesses. Yes, there are worse illnesses, but this is a serious illness. My brain is sick which makes my body sick. This isn't a "just change things in your life" type of illness. This is not a single MDD episode. This has been a lifelong battle. Ever-since-I-was-a-toddler battle. Some days are better than others, but some days are really bad.

I didn't write this so that people would feel sorry for me - I don't actually know why I wrote this. However, it makes me feel better, so that is what matters in the end. I recognize that I need more help than what I have in my life and I'm going to go get it. I urge you, if you are a person suffering from depression/know a person suffering from depression, to not brush it off like you stubbed your toe. Sometimes, MDD episodes come once in your life and everything is great again. That is AWESOME. I mean that with every piece of my being. Sometimes though, it is not just a one-time thing. Sometimes, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to be awake, it hurts to think about anything other than sleeping.

We all need to stand up and help people. Stop dragging people down. Sometimes it is the smallest comments that throw people over the edge. Sometimes it's things that you seem to think are the most minuscule things ever. Sometimes it IS. That doesn't mean that people with MDD/BPI/BPII/any other mental illness are any less of a person. These people, myself included, suffer from an illness.....

And I want you to fight. I want you to win this battle with me. I want you to know that there are people out here that hurt and people out here that have gotten through the lowest of lows.

Fight with me. Stand with me. Let's help each other hold ourselves above water, because we can't do this alone.

Addiction triggers.

I was driving home tonight on ominous roads, when a certain song came on. I listened to it a LOT when I was an addict, when I was using, and when I was with the boy (he was certainly not a man) who tried to destroy me; he tried to break me into what he was. A lot of things trigger my addiction. People talking about it without knowing, or people talking about it who do know, random things, scents, music, tons. Tonight was different though. As I was driving, I was immediately taken back to a night (almost like this) where the roads were treacherous and I drove into Edmonton from Nisku with one thing on my mind: my addiction. (And seeing him.) I remember making the phone call to him saying I would be late because the roads were bad, I remember driving him back to nisku and us getting into his work truck to get high and drive to Calgary. We listened to that song. The fact that the memory was so vivid was shocking. I often think about my addiction. I think about using again, I think about him, but I don't have many very vivid memories of doing it as my mind was very hazy. I remember the songs we used to listen to, I remember almost getting arrested, I remember overdosing twice and still wanting more.
I am not proud of who I was then, but I AM proud of overcoming it. I'm proud that I fought the battle of a lifetime and that I've made it just over 5 years. I'm honored that I have people in my life who accept me for me. "Me" comes with an addiction. One that won't go away, one that still haunts me.
I don't actually know why I'm writing this, but something struck me so profoundly when I was on my way home and that memory came back. I felt like I needed to say it.
Things will always trigger my addiction and I just want people to know that it doesn't make people bad. Good people make poor decisions all the time. I'll have to deal with it everyday. I have to deal with the triggers, the sweaty palms, the choices I made, and the songs that break my heart.
This is all a healing process - it takes time.
If you've made it this far, I commend you. Thanks for reading my 330AM ramblings about what may seem like something beyond trivial. Maybe it is trivial - but I had to write it anyways.

Also - I urge you, if you struggle with an addiction: YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME IT. Addiction doesn't define who you are - it is just a part of who you are. It's a mark on your life, a scar, and a lesson learned. You are stronger than any substance and any person that tries to break you. I promise

Tears and heartbreak

It's been a rough go lately. For reasons both in my control and completely out of my control. I feel that I need to write yet another thank-you to the ones that constantly stand by me. For the ones that remind me incessantly that they love me through my stupid choices, my loud voice, and my complete stubbornness. For the ones that remind me what I'm worth when I forget or start to doubt myself.

Thank-you to all of you. I sit and can't even fathom the amount of love that you all shower me with.

A toast to you on my birthday.

It was my birthday on Saturday. September 1. I was born into the world around 1130AM on that day to Ralph & Velvet 24 years ago. I had an older brother, Chad, and I cried like a donkey/Horshack. In 1990 my sister Jes came into the world and she looked like a monkey. (really, she had a LOT of hair)

My mum recently posted pictures on Facebook of me through the years and it made me realize how blessed I was and still am to have so many amazing things.

I am strong. Looking at the pictures not only brought back a flooding of childhood memories, but also recent ones. I remember how much I've over come in my life.

Some bad things happened in childhood, come jr high I had almost no friends, my parents separated and got back together, I did drugs and got clean. I moved out, moved back in and moved out again. I went to school, failed, and then went back and am kicking ass at it.

Last years birthday was a really rough time for me. One of my best friends in the world walked away and he never turned around. Chelsea and Dean came to my rescue. From then on? We have been a tripod. A triangle. The strongest shape in the world.

This year, me and a different best friend figured things out and started talking again. Chelsea & I went to Vegas on a girls trip. Renee and I got closer, Nix has been there on countless 3AM nights where I needed to cry on her shoulder, and the tripod remains stronger than ever.

This weekend, the weekend I turned 24, the tripod took on the city of Edmonton with a few other friends. The tripod stood through Friday, Saturday, & Sunday. We were gazelles and t-Rexs, we were drunk, we danced, and I may have shed a few tears. Sunday was an interesting night. I had a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor and lost it a bit. Dean & Chelsea came to the rescue and sat with me. They reminded me that we are a triangle. We are always going to be there for each other. We are strong. We stand united.

I have been blessed beyond measure this past week. When I needed friends, they stepped up. Jessi was there for me when I needed to cry, dean dropped everything to come over, Chelsea talked to me at 1am, nix reminded me about life decisions, Renee talked me through a situation.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what some of them are sometimes, but this weekend showed me who was there. Not just the people that showed up, but the people that are THERE. 100%. Ready to give up a night of sleep to celebrate, cry, hug, laugh, anything.

It is YOU that I am toasting on my birthday. To Chelsea, Dean, Jessi, Sean, Nix, Renee, and my family. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am without you. So on my birthday, I toast you. Here's to another year of reminding each other that we're amazing. Another year of sleepless nights, study dates, slo pitch, tears, hugs, and laughs. I love you all more than you know. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Here's to YOU

In a funk

Do you ever find yourself in a headspace that just doesn't feel like your own? For the past week or so, I haven't felt like myself at all. I haven't been feeling well physically and that was the only reason I had for not being .... Me. I feel physically fine now but I can't eat properly, barely catch sleep at regular times and just feel ... Not like myself.

A week and a half ago, my best friend and I got in a major fight. Through help from another friend, I made it through the night as she gracefully let me cry on her shoulder even though it was her date night and she was exhausted. Best friend and I may still have our issues, but we are communicating and working through them.

I really don't have anything to be stressed about.

I have 3 wonderful best friends, my family is great, and life is good. Yet here I am in this unexplained funk. I have no desire to stand up and fight the world right now. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, yet I can't fall asleep at regular hours which in turn makes me over think things that I shouldn't.

I had nightmares about my situation with the best friend this week and the other person involved. After it played out in real life, I was fine. I got two rides on the Harley, yet I still wasn't happy. I wasn't even happy today spending time with my family, which included my niece and nephews.

Just one of those weeks I think. I must stop with the self deprecating thoughts and move forwards. I'm not sure what is keeping me from fighting except my own mind. This is about to change.

This isn't me.

*I* am a pretty rad person: I smile, I laugh, and I love hanging out with friends. I have to stop hiding in my bat cave and start going out with my friends again - especially since school starts soon and that time will be limited as is.

With much love and too much pondering,
-S

Age

Is age really just a number? Is it more about maturity than age? Where do we draw the line?

Thoughts of a late night.

Small things.

Two weeks ago (I think) @JenBanksYEG started #makejensday. It seems to have taken the world by storm and I am beyond inspired by it. 

This weekend when I was at ball, my whole family came to watch. It was my dad's 54 birthday on Sunday & I was so happy they were coming, even if I'm not that great. The day before, my thighs were really bothering me and it hurt to walk. Sunday came and I still couldn't walk, so I decided to only hit, not run, and play catcher.....on a day where my mum, dad, niece, nephew, cousin, and nephew-cousin were there to watch. A midst me feeling sorry for myself a male teammate of mine joked with my niece about giving her his autograph. She was all of a sudden enthralled. I don't think he realized how much it would mean to her. Well, after coming back to the bench after every inning, my niece would run up to me and say "aunty, is it time for autographs yet? When can I get them?" I'd have to tell her that the game wasn't over yet, but that they were coming soon. Finally, the game ended and Tia ripped her gum package open so that the boys could sign it. I've never really seen her so excited and happy. I realized that I should quit being such a wiener and spoil sport - I may have had a shit game, but my niece's day was made simply because some people I knew gave her autographs. 

I realized that it isn't the big things that always make a difference - it is the small things. The little things that make people's days. Tia's day was made by guys giving her their autographs. How simple is that? It took 20 seconds for them to bend down and give her their signatures. 

How easily could you make someone's day today?!

Love & smiles

-S

#makejensday

It's been a little while....

Well, I suppose it's time for me to update my blog - apparently I haven't done that since Mother's Day!

A lot has happened since May: I took 2 summer classes at school, I staffed summer camp, I reconnected with old friends, I made new friends, went to two different weddings for people I love, I worked (this really is new!), and I've learned a lot.

This spring/summer I took abnormal psychology & biology 108. I took Bio back when I first started university and got credit, but didn't technically pass my course. I only got a D+ & I need a C- to move up in some biology courses. Abnormal is a prerequisite for so many higher level psych classes, I figured I would take it just to get it out of the way. I was in class Monday to Friday from 9-12 for three weeks with an exam every week. I was terrified, but super excited at the same time as this is really my passion. Apparently, I'm pretty good at it - after many hours logged studying, I walked out with an A, which is a 4.0. I really needed the 4 to boost my overall GPA as it took quite a beating a few semesters ago. I got a week off and had to start biology. That class has a lab component worth 40% of the mark, so I was in class from 9-230 Monday to Friday. Honestly, my goal for that class was just a C- (memory isn't my strong suit and biology is basically all rote memorization). Surprisingly, I walked out of that class with an A-. After those two classes, my GPA is now at 3.022 overall. Just a little farther to go and I'll make it! Also, I only have 2 years left. If everything goes according to plan, I will be graduating in the spring of 2014 - exactly 8 years after finishing high school. I suppose slow and steady wins the race.

Summer camp was a blast -as always. Every camp has difficulties and roadblocks to overcome, and ours was no exception. Overall, the 8 days that I spent out there were absolutely wonderful ... and absolutely exhausting. I love it, but I really need my sleep and out there, you really do not get a lot of it! I had the pleasure of staffing some of the participants over again from a previous year and met a lot of new faces. I hope that they come back and staff next year!!

In June, I had the absolute pleasure of going to a real ranch wedding with my best friend Chelsea. The wedding was my dad's business partner. I didn't get to make it to the actual ceremony, but I heard it was beautiful. I saw the dress & such at the reception. Donna was an absolutely STUNNING bride. I hope to look at least half as beautiful on my wedding day. I learned at the dinner that me and wine ... we don't mix too well. Let's just say it was an interesting night. The next day was the dance, and I was much more careful with my alcohol consumption. Chelsea and I danced for almost 6 entire hours - even if we were the only ones on the dance floor.

A few weeks ago, my dad's brother got married in a gorgeous outdoor ceremony. I had the pleasure of having Dean with me, which was a ton of fun. I got to hang out, dance and drink  at an open bar. Rain clouds started to roll in during the dance (which was held in the barn!) so everyone started to move inside.... except for 2 of Uncle Mark's boys. They decided to stay out in the rain and dance for everyone. (They're only 9!!) As the night went on, people started dancing in the rain and laughing at the puddle splashing. It was an absolutely wonderful night!

So, this whole work thing ... I haven't been working a lot & just recently started to pick up more shifts. After three years of working for Corus Entertainment, I finally got to work in the JOE FM studio doing behind the scenes work. I work in the CISN studio whenever I can, but have never really moved next door to the JOE side. It's been pretty spectacular over here the past 2 days!

Anyways guys and ladies - you're probably much too tired to keep reading my rambling on life.Speaking of tired - I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. Hopefully this week I can get back on track and not be up until 430 every morning!

<3

Mums and Mother's Day

Many people often comment, "any man can make a child, but it takes someone special to be a dad." Now, after this weekend, I believe that the same thing goes for mothers.

Firstly, my mum is someone who happened to give birth to me. While this is probably the most common conception of what a mother is, I certainly do not think it should be limited to that.

This occurred to me this weekend, when a man who is like my 2nd dad came up to me, amidst mothers, children, and fathers and said, "Happy Mother’s Day." This man knows me well enough to know I have not given birth to any children. (not yet, one day though!) I reminded him that I was not in fact, "a mum." His response was simple and stuck with me all of yesterday and it was this, "but, you kind of are like a mum to all these kids." Side note - the kids he was referring to were his own, my niece and nephews, and friend's kids.

It is certainly not the first time that someone has referred to the fact that I seem to do well with children. I revel in joy when they like me, when they are near, and when I can be myself around them. Two weeks ago, I was fondly given the nickname "Ovaries" as I always exclaim, "my ovaries are jumping!" when I am around children. My mum has said that perhaps it is because I am not guarded around children and so they see the "real me." Whatever the reason, I have never, in my life, been wished a Happy Mother's Day.

This brings me to the point of this all. Why are the mums that get celebrated the ones that have just given birth or adopted children? Why is "adoption" such a narrow term? The man that said that to me has essentially "adopted" me into his family. I don't live with him and his family, nor do I call him dad. Yet every father’s day, I send him a card.

Mums are EVERYWHERE. Perhaps they are like me - they do not have any "real" children of their own. Perhaps they immerse themselves in lives of children they know. Perhaps they're your best friend's mum. Perhaps they have adopted pets that they have fondly made into children. Perhaps they ARE the ones that have given birth.

Whoever the mothers are in your life: an adopted, biological, parents of pets or women that are just ... There. Wish them a happy mother’s day too.

-S

Just for future reference

My font is not actually Comic Sans. It is different, but shows up as CS on some browsers. That's yucky & I apologize in advance.

My visit to the hospital ...

So, background information on the whole hospital situation....

My ears have a tendency to have a heavy wax build-up and then become impacted. (gross, I know) However, I just get them flushed every once in a while (which isn't the most comfortable procedure) and I'm good to go for another little while.

Saturday night I was at my parent's house out in Armena (by Camrose) and we were watching the hockey game. I went to bed shortly thereafter and laid down on my left side. Boom. Lost all hearing. It has happened before so I didn't panic too much, but it is really awkward and makes me dizzy if I'm walking around because of the different hearing in both ears. So, nothing helped and I reluctantly went to bed.

Sunday morning (Easter Sunday) I woke up and I was really dizzy from my ears and in some pain. It was an odd feeling. My mum looked at them and could not do anything, so the only thing close by was the hospital. I figured I'd go in and it wouldn't be a big deal as it is a quick 4-8 minute procedure and then they send me on my way. Technically, I think an LPN/RN could do the procedure as well, although I could be wrong on that.

This is where it gets interesting - I get to the hospital, deaf in one ear, dizzy and in pain and I ask information where I should be heading. She pointed me in the direction of the EMPTY emergency room. A nurse sticks her head out the door and asks what I need. I told her that I needed to get my ears flushed and that information sent me here. Her response was "we don't do that here (what?!), and this is an emergency room - this is not an emergency." She then told me that I could go to the clinic that opened up on Monday at 2PM. I looked at her and said "I understand that this is not urgent, but I can't hear anything. Are you telling me that there is not ONE doctor here that can help me?" She said to have a seat and that she would call a doctor.

I texted my mum at this point saying that an emergency room did not want to help me because this was not deemed an "emergency." She was pretty upset and asked if I wanted her to send my dad down. I said no and that I'd deal with it. I was currently watching 2 nurses flirt with the security guy that was standing at the desk. I could hear murmuring about me and could see them glance at me every now and then, almost as if to see if I was still there.

So by this point, I'm pissed. I waited forty minutes to even be spoken to by another nurse. I finally get to go back, they take my vitals, blah blah blah, and although the nurse did it with a smile (she was not the original nurse that refused to help me) I could tell that she was upset about either me being there, or her being there. Either way, this is her job. Not my fault that my ears decided to shut down and leave me in pain on Easter Sunday.

Another side note - had Camrose had any other option for clinics or help on Easter Sunday, I would have utilized them instead of going to an emergency room, a EMPTY emergency room.

So, I get put in a room and finally a doctor comes in. She lectures me for a few minutes saying "the nurses are not happy that you are here. This is NOT an emergency." I just restated my case that this was bad, it was making me dizzy, I was in pain, and that I understood it was not actually an emergency.

She worked for a few minutes flushing my ears, with the original nurse who refused to help me by her side. I was less than pleased. The doctor even said "this isn't going to be anything fancy, just a syringe and water." Clearly, I wanted the gold treatment with gold-plated shit. Give me a break. So, she states that both my ears are severely impacted. She gets through what I thought was the worse ear and states that there is an infection. She then gets to work on the other ear, which was also severely impacted.

Somehow the last part of my post didn't actually publish...

So here!

After she finishes cleaning the other ear, the one I could actually hear out of, she states that there is a HUGE infection and that my ear canal is actually bleeding. (I actually think the bleeding was caused by her use of the syringe and her impatience of me being there). So, now I'm really upset. She says that she is going to go get a prescription for me. Both nurses leave, and I can hear them LAUGHING in the hallway with the other nurses. Thank-you, thank-you for laughing at my pain and irritation with you. I appreciate it. *eye roll*

The doctor comes back with a Rx and I basically speed-walked all the way out of the hospital. I got out the doors and just burst into tears. I do not take kindly to being treated like an idiot, or being made fun of. I called my mum, bawling, she talked me through it and I went to Shoppers for my prescription. Pharmacist looks at my Rx and says "this is going to cost you about 90$, do you still want them?" .... Uh, WTF? Yes, I still want them. I hate that they're expensive, but you know, yes, I WANT MY MEDS.

That is the story of the unprofessional doctors and nurses at the hospital in Camrose, AB. Less than impressed.

Much love,

-S

It's been a while

It's been a long time since I've posted and a lot has happened since I last did. I figured that while taking a small break from my paper (thanks to @CharmingGrump for the tip) I'd write some stuff down. At least one person (Dean) has asked me to post because they miss reading my ramblings. Hopefully some of you guys feel the same way.

A little bit of background before I tell you what has happened. I met this guy in 2008, we quit talking in ... the summer of 2009 I think, we started talking two Octobers ago and quit talking in March of last year. It's been a roller-coaster to say the least. So, I get this message around Christmas time asking if we could talk again. That he missed me and knew he didn't deserve a second chance to be a part of my life, but wanted to know if I would accept him into my life again. So, I did. Slowly. He said that it was no pressure and that we would talk when I was ready and when things were on my terms, so that I would know he was serious.

So, a few weeks ago he came over to hang out. We talked through most of the movies we had put on, and it was actually the best conversation we have probably had since we started talking in 2008. We were genuine, honest and open with each other. To top all of it off, we hugged at the end of the night and we parted ways. We've kept talking since then, and I am so blessed and grateful that this person is back in my life. We've had our ups and downs, but I am so glad that he is a person that is back in my life, and back in my life to stay. :-)

More has happened.

Last week, I learned that a friend of mine from camp passed away in a tragic snowmobile accident near Wainwright. She was 24 years old. Along with her was her fiance, her unborn child, and an 18 year old friend of theirs. May they all rest in peace for eternity. I was so heartbroken to hear the news of her passing and carefully told a mutual friend of ours. I'm beyond glad that our camp program is taking some time to recognize her this year at staff planning and in the newsletter that we all get.

Also. For those of you who have asked about my new twitter avi (@BuhlerFerris). I have the faux-hawk. The girl next to me is my little sister (@jbuhls). Now you all know. :-)

I should probably continue on with this paper. Speaking of deadlines, this is due tomorrow, I have a 5 page paper due on Tuesday, a final on the 12, and then finals on the 18, 19, 20. Oh, and then I start school again on May 7 for the spring semester. One class in 3 weeks: 9-12 M-F until the end of May. Then, another class starting in June, another class jammed into 3 weeks, plus a lab: 9-12, 1230-330 M-F. If you don't hear from me for May-June, please don't panic. I have either drowned in books and flashcards or crawled into a hole and done the "My Girl"-rock-back-and-forth-singing-the-Witch-Doctor until school was over. I look forward to seeing you all at the end of June. ;-)

Just a different story

I haven't posted in a while - I blame Vegas. My LV post will come. Promise.

I went out for coffee today with a woman I haven't seen in a few years. I reached out and contacted her a few weeks ago and we decided to grab a coffee. We shared what has been going on in the past few years for us both. I shared with her something that I hadn't told anyone (except for my mum) in a long time. Part of the reason I don't really hang out with her group of friends anymore is because I don't feel as though I belong. All of the group is married and/or has children. Last year on Facebook I watched as countless childhood friends uploaded pictures of their children and updated their relationship statuses to engaged or married.

Fast forward through our coffee chat and Bekah said something that I really needed to hear. "You DO belong, your story is just different." I've been thinking about that since I left her at 3 o clock. I KNOW I am supposed to get married and be a mum...just not yet. It doesn't always make it easier, but she is right. This is MY story, and my story is different. I DO belong, just as she does and just as everyone else does.

Thank-you for speaking the words that I needed to hear. I'm beyond blessed to have gone out for coffee with you today.

Today i'm just ....

Today was a long day.

First off, I didn't sleep long enough last night so I'm exhausted. I've overwhelmed with midterms, packing, organizing, sleeping, papers, etc. So, today, although I had a great time at coffee with Stefan and an enjoyable girl date with Dana ... I'm just done.

I went to Ikea tonight and bought some more organizing boxes (guys, I still need help) and on the way home I was just .... argh.

So today, just today, the world wins.

I'm going back to bed and the world can just have today.

Expect me to be back tomorrow though world ... with a vengeance.

Let's Talk .... Addiction

So as I said in my last post, I mentioned addiction. I think it's important to bring this up today too, as it kind of ties in with mental health.

I'm on a roll with being open and candid, so here goes.

I am a crack addict.

I have been clean for almost 5 years.

That's basically the story. I take full responsibility for my actions while high and while sober - they are my own actions. However, my addiction took a toll on my mental health (you may have guessed) Crack cocaine depletes your serotonin system in a serious way. Serotonin = pleasure center. For those who do not know how hard-core a cocaine/crack cocaine addiction is (they ARE different) there was once a study with rats and cocaine. Basically, the rats got a little push pedal that delivered cocaine right to their brain. They continued to push the lever, because it felt gooooooooood. Cocaine stopped coming out after a while. These rats STARVED TO DEATH because they kept pushing the pedal. They dehydrated because they would not move away from the lever even when they weren't getting cocaine.

Anyways, enough neuro-biology. My main point of this is that this is a sensitive topic for me. I understand that "being crack-head" is some sort of sick joke in some circles and that it's somehow funny. These people (myself included) suffer from ADDICTION. I cannot stand the naivety and ignorance of people. Today, in one of my classes my professor made a joke referencing quitting crack and crack-heads - normally this doesn't bother me, BUT, I was in a terrible mood today, did not need to be reminded of it and then the class LAUGHED. I sat there with my head down and I was mad. The ignorance of people to sit there and LAUGH at something they know nothing about. To me, this is like a rape joke - it's not funny. You are probably offending a scary statistic of women and men by joking about it.

I can tell you right now (and my family will stand behind me on this) .... there was NOTHING funny about my addiction to crack. So, educate yourself and quit being so ignorant.

Let's Talk .... Mental Health

I learned today that it's Let's Talk Mental Health Day. To be honest, I'm not sure what this all entails, but hey, let's talk about it.

Mental health seems to be some sort of taboo subject in today's society and it really should not be. It is a serious, not to mention dangerous, thing if you suffer from it or know someone who suffers from it. Mental health problems come in all shapes and sizes and varying levels of seriousness. It can range from paranoid schizophrenia to depression to anxiety disorders to bipolar.

I'm going to be candid here - I suffer from bipolar disorder and have for most of my life. After battling more highs than lows all through school I still could not understand that even when I was "happy" it did not seem like it. There were times where I had so much "great" in my life and I just could not deal. It was affecting my school, my thoughts, my sleep, my relationships, everything. I had a huge bout of depression when my parents split up when I was 15. I was already plagued by being a ghost at school, being chubby, not having many friends, regular 15-year old girl stuff and then my parents split up. I was an ANGRY 15 year old, and I was mean. Straight up MEAN. In our house though, suffering from depression was NOT an excuse to be mean. We were kept accountable for our actions. It did not matter if you were depressed, angry, mad, whatever, if you said or did something out of line, you got called out for it THEN. Depression is not an excuse to be mean/rude/ignorant/awful.

So, skipping a few years, my parents got back together, I still struggled with depression and there was another major bout when I was in grade 12. I had a great boyfriend, pretty rad life, but couldn't pull myself out of this.

Fast forward a few more years and I was getting clean from a drug addiction (I'll explain in my next blog post) and sure as shit, I was massively depressed. I was mean, I slept 15-17 hours a night, I was miserable. THEN - I got some help. It was the first time I got help and gave it an honest shot. I learned that between the fact that I was already bipolar, plagued by large depressive episodes, AND that I did drugs, my brain chemistry was all sorts of messed up. Why should I be ashamed of that?! Are people that break their arm and have a cast ashamed of that cast??! NO! I am NOT ashamed (anymore) that my brain chemistry kind of just does its own thing and that I need to get HELP with that. It was a serious issue. (It still is)

This summer, I fell into more depression and the tell-tale bipolar swings were taking their toll on me. I tried to hide it as best as I could, but I failed miserably and my relationships were suffering big-time. I had a falling out with my best friend and we still haven't recovered. (I'm not sure we will to be totally honest) I decided to go get help again this October and it's the best decision I've made in a long time.

This is just my story on Mental Health - there's more out there and I encourage you to TALK about them. Educate people around you. Show people that there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Also - if you know someone that is suffering from depression, or any kind of serious mental health issue encourage them to get some help. If you think it is beyond your capacity to deal with it please call a professional. I can tell you from experience that the person will probably not be happy with you, but they will come around. It's better for them to be alive to hate you than dead.

If you need help right NOW, please call someone. Talk to your friend, talk to your family, hell, leave me an anonymous message and I'll do what I can to point you in the right direction. Please, just don't be shy about talking about it. Your life is so precious and there are ways to get help. Please recognize the signs and symptoms and do NOT be embarrassed about talking about it - whether it be with people on twitter, your friends, your family, or your doctor.

Let's Talk.

I need help ...

Just a quick note before I go to bed...

I really want to become more organized and while I have a fairly good grip on things for my office, I am ALWAYS looking for more ideas, more tips, websites with tips, etc. I'm also looking for a cheap place to get organizational boxes. ...that's a lie. I know the dollar store has tons, and I have some, but then I'm not sure what to put in where and it stresses me out. (I know, I'm weird)

I am also looking for ways to organize my bedroom. It's a decent size, and the closet is kind of odd, so I struggle with what to do.

Any thoughts, tips, ideas, de-stressing ways, photos, etc would be appreciated. Really.

Have a great night!!

Letting Go

I guess this isn't too rant-y, but a little deeper and a little bit more serious.

This summer was an interesting one. I got closer to my best friend, a person that I was in love with. Without getting into all the details, we went to a wedding together and things were amazing. We stayed up talking until 6 that morning and I realized how much I loved him and how scared I was to tell him, even though I thought he knew. I went over to Chelsea's house the next day and cried because I wasn't sure what to do. We talked every day since then, and then not even 10 days later I got a message from him asking what I said to someone I didn't know. I replied I had no idea what he was talking about and sent him a lengthy message asking how he could think I would do something like that. I haven't heard from him since - this was in August.

Now, I've been told by many people that he isn't worth my time and that if it was meant to be, it will. I've been told that he did not treat me that well in the first place and that he wasn't worth my heart in the first place.

This may all be true; however, it didn't, and still doesn't help my heart. I can't help that I fell in love with him, I can't help that it hurt. Now, almost 6 full months later, I'm learning to let go. I have a tattoo on my collar bone that says "Let Go" and I originally got it to remind myself to let go of things I can't stress about. While I can't change this man's feelings towards me or what he thinks I have done to wrong him, I CAN Let Go. I can Let Go and feel better about myself. He does not define me, nor do his actions. He tried to strip away my entire character and it worked ... but not anymore. I'm done. I'm Letting Go.

~Love~

Midterms

I have so much on my mind right now, and a more rant-y post for later, but for right now it shall be cheerful. Midterm season is upon me and I have written 3 so far this year. I have one on Valentines as well. As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been writing flashcards for my studying purposes. That said, my Forensic Psychology prof said that she had our short answer marks done, but she was still waiting on our multiple choice marks from the scantron people. My plan was to go to her office this afternoon and go over my short answer with her, just to alleviate some stress as this exam had really stressed me out. I got to her office to look over everything and she had actually hand-marked my multiple choice because I do my exams separate from the class and my scantron didn't make it to the scantron people in time. So, she gives it to me and says, "you got over 100%, you don't need to look it over." I got 15/14 on the SA, and 37/36 on the multiple choice. I missed ONE MC question, but because I got the two bonus multiple choice questions right, I still made it over the 100% mark!!

My mark is 104%!!! I almost peed my pants right there in her office; then I proceeded to walk through the school with a goofy-ass grin plastered on my face. Wooot!!! I'm so proud of myself, as this is definitely not the norm for me (or anyone??!!) and I studied my pants off for it!!

So, I'm just patting myself on the back here. Flashcards are my friend (and they could be yours!!)

Be prepared for a deeper/more rant-y post later.

Cheers.

Opinions & Assholes

So, I'm laying in bed watching this Oilers game. (I love Sam Gagner!!) I've been on twitter on and off today and I have to say: opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.

With this said though, there's a difference between giving your opinion and being an asshole about it. I have ZERO issue with people speaking their mind. I do, however, have issues with people that are rude about it. Make your point, say what's on your mind and heart, then let it go. Chances are you won't change the mind of the person you're talking with.

Just sayin. <3

Also, if anyone has any topics they want to hear MY random opinion on, or has any random questions for me, leave a comment! You can also tweet or DM me at @BuhlerFerris.

Perogies, cold, best friends, and studying.

I live in a basement suite with Chelsea. Our heat is really awkward sometimes and so it's really cold in here today. We could both just be wusses, but it's true. I'm wearing slippers and drinking tea. (I always drink tea though, so I'm not sure if that's relevant) Still though, it's 4 degrees outside, so I should not have to wear slippers in my home. My landlady isn't home and won't be home for a few more weeks, so no one is changing the temperature upstairs....although, there's a cat named Houdini up there that could be magical at changing the thermostat.

Someonnnnnne is bringing Chelsea and I perogies tonight. You have no idea how thankful I am, and how much I love perogies. Last spring during exam season, I ate nothing but perogies and fried onions for 5 days. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, everything. How I did not turn into a blimp is beyond me. You can think I'm disgusting if you want, but perogies are my comfort food. (Chelsea will disagree with me: chocolate is comfort food)

I am also studying right now ... well, not right this instant, but I was. I'm taking a break. I should tell you all that I'm very compulsive when it comes to my notes, my studying, and anything that has to do with schoolwork. My notes, calendar, day-planner, and flashcards are all colour-coded. Even my calendar's colours have codes. Underline means 1 week until due, fully highlighted means due, and a box means "that's what to do that day."

I recently learned that flashcards really help me study. Call me a loser if you want, but whatever works. They have been doing well for me, so I'll keep doing them. Oh, my index card cases are also colour coded to match my current colour-coding scheme. I have also started doing a 20-5 minute pattern. I study hard for 20 minutes, break for 5, study 20, break 5, study 20, break 5, study 20, break 20. Repeat. Works well for me (and helps out my ADD)

Me and Chelsea!

Chelsea has a migraine and this is her right now:

dirty little freak

dirty little freak.

"so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways....we will never be, never be anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks"

Oh yeah!

I forgot to tell you all....

I leave for Vegas with my best friend ever in 14 days! We're heading there to just ... be crazy for 5 days before returning to midterms, tests, report cards, and teaching. Oh yeah, Chels is a teacher! She's pretty rad, even if I do make fun of her for being an education major.

Oh, and ... I hate leggings. Some people can pull them off, most people cannot. If you wear a long shirt, fine. However, leggings are not to be worn in place of pants and a regular shirt - that is never okay. I don't care if you are a size 0 or 20. Leggings are not pants.

I also have a love affair with anything that involves psychopaths, criminology, forensic psychology, serial killers (Ted Bundy was my favourite), and psychology in general. (Except for methods - it is definitely not my favourite class, that's for sure.)

I am a little bit ADD (for real, I'm in the Disabilities program at school) and you will probably notice that through the blog posts if you haven't already noticed. :P

I have no tolerance for people that are unkind - I surely understand having a bad day and throwing out mean words about people here and there, but impolite, rude and mean people do not have a place in my life. I'm not like that and I refuse to spend time with people that put all that negative energy out into the world.

I have a lot of tea. I drink at least 3-4 go-mugs of tea a day, sometimes more, not often less. David's Tea is my haven.

Speaking of havens ... besides my bedroom, Chapters is also my haven. I think I could live there. Legit.

That's all I can think of for now - I should go to sleep even though it's super early. I am one tired out girl ... maybe it is from all the planning about skipping school. ;-)

Love and peace.

More me!

This is me. I was pretty cute, if I do say so myself. I loved the ninja turtles & Donnatello was obviously my favourite.

Just starting out.

Well, I'm just starting out here, and I'm not too sure what to say. I seemed to get a pretty great go-ahead within minutes of posting on twitter that I wanted to start a blog. (Follow me if you're not at @BuhlerFerris)

If you do not already know, I play on my last name a LOT. I have gone through many years of teasing, laughing and joking about the name and I have heard them all. I have learned to embrace it - especially because it was one of the coolest movies ever. If you've never seen it, you probably should.

So here, I suppose I should tell you a little bit about me.

I go to school full time and I major in psychology and minor in sociology. I'm in the Bachelor of Arts program in a University in Edmonton. 75% of the time, I really love what I learn and embrace it, then midterms come, assignments, papers, and sleepless nights and I kind of hate it. However, I'm learning to enjoy more of it as it probably (hopefully?) won't last much longer. It's been a long road so far.

I grew up on a farm and wouldn't trade that upbringing for the world. I learned more about hard work, hard labour, loving animals, privacy and quiet than I think I ever could in the city. I live for branding season and for the annual May Long Weekend celebration that we have every year. (We burn the Christmas trees from the previous year!)

I hate lying, cheating, and dishonesty. I think that everyone says that, but I have no quams "rocking the boat" and my older sister/best friend has a love/hate relationship with me about that. If someone hurts my feelings, I will tell them - I don't care if that is going to make things worse. You chose that time and place to hurt my feelings (knowingly or not) and I will choose that time and place to call you out on it for being a douche.

According to most of my friends, I'm an extrovert. I am very social, however, I choose to spend most nights hanging out home and keeping things low key. I like excitement once and a while, but I really just like being lazy at home watching TV or doing something "equally as cool."

I'm not sure what else I should let you know here, but I promise that I'll be more entertaining in the future ....

I always tell people "I don't have big boobs or an ass, but at least I'm funny," so I hope you'll laugh at least once or twice reading about my insanity.