I am Steph
I have purple hair and 10 tattoos.
I am a fighter, a survivor, and a lover.
I am an addict.
I use humour as a defense mechanism.
I also have Bipolar II disorder.
Bipolar II is a disorder in which I swing from major depressive episodes to hypomania. To add to the excitement (see, there's my humour again) I am a rapid cycler, and my mania is actually more like a childhood/adolescent form of mania. In adolescents/children mania is usually characterized as extreme bouts of irritability and less need for sleep (among other symptoms.) So, the rapid cycling takes a toll on me, as does the bouts of irritability and long peroiods of MDD. (Major Depressive Disorder)
Now. I am a person with BPII. That does not, and will not define me. However, the last few days have taken their toll on me. I actually had a great week, I got to spend time with my family, with kids, with my dad, and be out at the farm for a week. I love the farm - the silence, the peace, the fireplace, the everything. Today was different. Today I swung really low. I slept all day (I have a tendency to do that when things start to go downhill), and when I woke up, I was on the verge of tears (or crying) the whole time.
Today was the first time in a VERY long time that I felt that I could not overcome this and that my entire identity was simply "depressed." I felt that I lost everything else about me and all I could focus on was the tears and heartache. I hugged my dad and burst into tears, I drove my car while crying, I got through a drink with a friend, then started crying again. Today was the first time that I thought I might lose this lifelong battle with a terrible illness.
I hear all the time that people think I'm a strong person, that I have overcome so much, that I just need to hold on, and that things will all be okay, because I've done this before.
Here's a secret though
I never thought I would lose this battle.
Today, I broke. I need more help than I have right now, and I am no longer afraid to admit that. I need my friends to help me stay afloat and not let me sink. I need my own self to hold on longer. Just keep holding on. That is the thought running through my head. I have the sneaking other thoughts too though, "what if this doesn't actually work out? what if I lose this battle? what if all I'm ever known for is depression?"
I told Chelsea today of the things I want. I just looked back over the list and realized that I still want things for other people more than I want things for myself. This is an odd conundrum to be in. I want my parents to be back together, I want my sister to live closer, I want the one that got away to come back into my life (I still love you), and I want a particular someone in my life to stop being afraid of feeling. Feelings are okay. Take my hand - let's do this together. After ALL of that, I said "...and I want to stop waking up crying.)
I need to remember to fight for ME first. I can't be the helpful, strong, bubbly, enigma of a person for others unless I can do it for myself first.
I have to stand up and fight. Tonight....tonight, I'm not ready to do that. Tomorrow I will fight, and I will find more strength to hold onto the rope that is keeping my head above water.
Now, you may not think that this is a serious illness and that there are worse illnesses. Yes, there are worse illnesses, but this is a serious illness. My brain is sick which makes my body sick. This isn't a "just change things in your life" type of illness. This is not a single MDD episode. This has been a lifelong battle. Ever-since-I-was-a-toddler battle. Some days are better than others, but some days are really bad.
I didn't write this so that people would feel sorry for me - I don't actually know why I wrote this. However, it makes me feel better, so that is what matters in the end. I recognize that I need more help than what I have in my life and I'm going to go get it. I urge you, if you are a person suffering from depression/know a person suffering from depression, to not brush it off like you stubbed your toe. Sometimes, MDD episodes come once in your life and everything is great again. That is AWESOME. I mean that with every piece of my being. Sometimes though, it is not just a one-time thing. Sometimes, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to be awake, it hurts to think about anything other than sleeping.
We all need to stand up and help people. Stop dragging people down. Sometimes it is the smallest comments that throw people over the edge. Sometimes it's things that you seem to think are the most minuscule things ever. Sometimes it IS. That doesn't mean that people with MDD/BPI/BPII/any other mental illness are any less of a person. These people, myself included, suffer from an illness.....
And I want you to fight. I want you to win this battle with me. I want you to know that there are people out here that hurt and people out here that have gotten through the lowest of lows.
Fight with me. Stand with me. Let's help each other hold ourselves above water, because we can't do this alone.
