It's no real secret that I am an addict. I have spoke openly and honestly about it for 6.5 years (or at least for most of those years.) However, I have never spoken in front of a big group of people I didn't know ... until this week. To be clear, I have talked hundreds of times one-on-one, or to a small group, or doing this ... behind a computer screen.
Here's the back story...
On Halloween, my Sociology of Law class went to the court houses to see some cases. I didn't go because I was working. During class on Tuesday, class was mentioning some of the cases they saw and we got into a debate. One case was basically this:
- A lady was being sentenced/reprimanded for breaking her parole. She had spent two nights/days in the Remand Centre.
- This lady was approximately 25 years old, Native American, had 4 children, with one on the way.
- All four of her children are wards of the state, currently.
- She has a 6th grade education.
- She is a crack cocaine addict
- Her breach of probation was doing drugs
- The judge decided that the two days was enough for a probation breach and sent her on her way.
This is where the debate started. M (my professor) asked whether this is really the place to be dealing with this kind of issue. Would it be better in the specialized drug courts? Is she safe right now? Will she be back in the Remand again soon?
I sat silently and was already uncomfortable with the topic as I had been debating the Rob Ford debacle on twitter an hour previously. (That's a post for another day) When I realized how naive people were regarding drug use, I started to get fired up. People started saying things like "well, if she really wanted to stop, she just would." These are university-educated, mid-twenties+ people. I was dumbfounded by the naivety of my classmates but held my tongue because I was getting more and more upset as the conversation went on.
The conversation turned to a girl who made a crass comment about this lady; that she should be able to change at will, with no help, and that if she REALLY wanted to make the change, she would just do it.
This was the point where I calmly raised my hand. M called on me. (Also, I don't normally raise my hand, especially in a debate like this - none of us do.) I took a deep breath and said "I am a crack addict & I have been clean for 6.5 years. Sometimes, it is not just simply 'get better' or 'if she wants to, she will.' I struggled and had a wonderful support system behind me (even though I didn't think so at the time) and that is part of the reason I am where I am. This young woman has no one & this is probably all she knows."
There was a stunned silence across the room, and people stared at me. M knew that I was nervous, I was visibly holding back some tears and shaking from nerves. I texted two people right after I did that and was able to breathe again. I was told that I was strong & a super hero. I didn't see it, I felt like I just opened a huge can of worms and openly let 40 strangers judge me. I know that judgement comes with the territory, and that's okay, but I've never openly said that to this many people before. Never in 6.5 years.
I was going to talk to M the next day to apologize for making it so intense in the class & for blurting it out. I knew that it made some people uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to me .... I went to class the next day and went to talk to M about something totally unrelated, he looked at me and said, "thank you for sharing what you did yesterday, it was so powerful." I told him that I was going to apologize and he looked at me and said "no, it was so powerful. Other students came to me afterwords and told me how powerful it was. Also, I'm proud to say that given all your circumstances, you're in the top of both of my classes." I replied with a thank-you and wandered back to my seat.
I still don't really know how to take it. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to empower other students and hopefully break some stereotypes they had about addiction. Hopefully they saw that it CAN be overcome and that you can be successful afterwords. I hope they heard the passion in my voice and the shaking in my voice. I hope that they realized that it isn't a simple problem.
Speak up. Let people hear your story. Let people hear you roar. It will be the scariest thing of your life, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.
xo
There was a stunned silence across the room, and people stared at me. M knew that I was nervous, I was visibly holding back some tears and shaking from nerves. I texted two people right after I did that and was able to breathe again. I was told that I was strong & a super hero. I didn't see it, I felt like I just opened a huge can of worms and openly let 40 strangers judge me. I know that judgement comes with the territory, and that's okay, but I've never openly said that to this many people before. Never in 6.5 years.
I was going to talk to M the next day to apologize for making it so intense in the class & for blurting it out. I knew that it made some people uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to me .... I went to class the next day and went to talk to M about something totally unrelated, he looked at me and said, "thank you for sharing what you did yesterday, it was so powerful." I told him that I was going to apologize and he looked at me and said "no, it was so powerful. Other students came to me afterwords and told me how powerful it was. Also, I'm proud to say that given all your circumstances, you're in the top of both of my classes." I replied with a thank-you and wandered back to my seat.
I still don't really know how to take it. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to empower other students and hopefully break some stereotypes they had about addiction. Hopefully they saw that it CAN be overcome and that you can be successful afterwords. I hope they heard the passion in my voice and the shaking in my voice. I hope that they realized that it isn't a simple problem.
Speak up. Let people hear your story. Let people hear you roar. It will be the scariest thing of your life, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.
xo
Steph, you're a beautiful person. Always remember that. You have every right to feel proud (and in ways lucky) of what you've overcome. Keep up the amazing life you're building for yourself. =)
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