Tears and heartbreak

It's been a rough go lately. For reasons both in my control and completely out of my control. I feel that I need to write yet another thank-you to the ones that constantly stand by me. For the ones that remind me incessantly that they love me through my stupid choices, my loud voice, and my complete stubbornness. For the ones that remind me what I'm worth when I forget or start to doubt myself.

Thank-you to all of you. I sit and can't even fathom the amount of love that you all shower me with.

A toast to you on my birthday.

It was my birthday on Saturday. September 1. I was born into the world around 1130AM on that day to Ralph & Velvet 24 years ago. I had an older brother, Chad, and I cried like a donkey/Horshack. In 1990 my sister Jes came into the world and she looked like a monkey. (really, she had a LOT of hair)

My mum recently posted pictures on Facebook of me through the years and it made me realize how blessed I was and still am to have so many amazing things.

I am strong. Looking at the pictures not only brought back a flooding of childhood memories, but also recent ones. I remember how much I've over come in my life.

Some bad things happened in childhood, come jr high I had almost no friends, my parents separated and got back together, I did drugs and got clean. I moved out, moved back in and moved out again. I went to school, failed, and then went back and am kicking ass at it.

Last years birthday was a really rough time for me. One of my best friends in the world walked away and he never turned around. Chelsea and Dean came to my rescue. From then on? We have been a tripod. A triangle. The strongest shape in the world.

This year, me and a different best friend figured things out and started talking again. Chelsea & I went to Vegas on a girls trip. Renee and I got closer, Nix has been there on countless 3AM nights where I needed to cry on her shoulder, and the tripod remains stronger than ever.

This weekend, the weekend I turned 24, the tripod took on the city of Edmonton with a few other friends. The tripod stood through Friday, Saturday, & Sunday. We were gazelles and t-Rexs, we were drunk, we danced, and I may have shed a few tears. Sunday was an interesting night. I had a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor and lost it a bit. Dean & Chelsea came to the rescue and sat with me. They reminded me that we are a triangle. We are always going to be there for each other. We are strong. We stand united.

I have been blessed beyond measure this past week. When I needed friends, they stepped up. Jessi was there for me when I needed to cry, dean dropped everything to come over, Chelsea talked to me at 1am, nix reminded me about life decisions, Renee talked me through a situation.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what some of them are sometimes, but this weekend showed me who was there. Not just the people that showed up, but the people that are THERE. 100%. Ready to give up a night of sleep to celebrate, cry, hug, laugh, anything.

It is YOU that I am toasting on my birthday. To Chelsea, Dean, Jessi, Sean, Nix, Renee, and my family. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am without you. So on my birthday, I toast you. Here's to another year of reminding each other that we're amazing. Another year of sleepless nights, study dates, slo pitch, tears, hugs, and laughs. I love you all more than you know. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Here's to YOU

In a funk

Do you ever find yourself in a headspace that just doesn't feel like your own? For the past week or so, I haven't felt like myself at all. I haven't been feeling well physically and that was the only reason I had for not being .... Me. I feel physically fine now but I can't eat properly, barely catch sleep at regular times and just feel ... Not like myself.

A week and a half ago, my best friend and I got in a major fight. Through help from another friend, I made it through the night as she gracefully let me cry on her shoulder even though it was her date night and she was exhausted. Best friend and I may still have our issues, but we are communicating and working through them.

I really don't have anything to be stressed about.

I have 3 wonderful best friends, my family is great, and life is good. Yet here I am in this unexplained funk. I have no desire to stand up and fight the world right now. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, yet I can't fall asleep at regular hours which in turn makes me over think things that I shouldn't.

I had nightmares about my situation with the best friend this week and the other person involved. After it played out in real life, I was fine. I got two rides on the Harley, yet I still wasn't happy. I wasn't even happy today spending time with my family, which included my niece and nephews.

Just one of those weeks I think. I must stop with the self deprecating thoughts and move forwards. I'm not sure what is keeping me from fighting except my own mind. This is about to change.

This isn't me.

*I* am a pretty rad person: I smile, I laugh, and I love hanging out with friends. I have to stop hiding in my bat cave and start going out with my friends again - especially since school starts soon and that time will be limited as is.

With much love and too much pondering,
-S

Age

Is age really just a number? Is it more about maturity than age? Where do we draw the line?

Thoughts of a late night.

Small things.

Two weeks ago (I think) @JenBanksYEG started #makejensday. It seems to have taken the world by storm and I am beyond inspired by it. 

This weekend when I was at ball, my whole family came to watch. It was my dad's 54 birthday on Sunday & I was so happy they were coming, even if I'm not that great. The day before, my thighs were really bothering me and it hurt to walk. Sunday came and I still couldn't walk, so I decided to only hit, not run, and play catcher.....on a day where my mum, dad, niece, nephew, cousin, and nephew-cousin were there to watch. A midst me feeling sorry for myself a male teammate of mine joked with my niece about giving her his autograph. She was all of a sudden enthralled. I don't think he realized how much it would mean to her. Well, after coming back to the bench after every inning, my niece would run up to me and say "aunty, is it time for autographs yet? When can I get them?" I'd have to tell her that the game wasn't over yet, but that they were coming soon. Finally, the game ended and Tia ripped her gum package open so that the boys could sign it. I've never really seen her so excited and happy. I realized that I should quit being such a wiener and spoil sport - I may have had a shit game, but my niece's day was made simply because some people I knew gave her autographs. 

I realized that it isn't the big things that always make a difference - it is the small things. The little things that make people's days. Tia's day was made by guys giving her their autographs. How simple is that? It took 20 seconds for them to bend down and give her their signatures. 

How easily could you make someone's day today?!

Love & smiles

-S

#makejensday

It's been a little while....

Well, I suppose it's time for me to update my blog - apparently I haven't done that since Mother's Day!

A lot has happened since May: I took 2 summer classes at school, I staffed summer camp, I reconnected with old friends, I made new friends, went to two different weddings for people I love, I worked (this really is new!), and I've learned a lot.

This spring/summer I took abnormal psychology & biology 108. I took Bio back when I first started university and got credit, but didn't technically pass my course. I only got a D+ & I need a C- to move up in some biology courses. Abnormal is a prerequisite for so many higher level psych classes, I figured I would take it just to get it out of the way. I was in class Monday to Friday from 9-12 for three weeks with an exam every week. I was terrified, but super excited at the same time as this is really my passion. Apparently, I'm pretty good at it - after many hours logged studying, I walked out with an A, which is a 4.0. I really needed the 4 to boost my overall GPA as it took quite a beating a few semesters ago. I got a week off and had to start biology. That class has a lab component worth 40% of the mark, so I was in class from 9-230 Monday to Friday. Honestly, my goal for that class was just a C- (memory isn't my strong suit and biology is basically all rote memorization). Surprisingly, I walked out of that class with an A-. After those two classes, my GPA is now at 3.022 overall. Just a little farther to go and I'll make it! Also, I only have 2 years left. If everything goes according to plan, I will be graduating in the spring of 2014 - exactly 8 years after finishing high school. I suppose slow and steady wins the race.

Summer camp was a blast -as always. Every camp has difficulties and roadblocks to overcome, and ours was no exception. Overall, the 8 days that I spent out there were absolutely wonderful ... and absolutely exhausting. I love it, but I really need my sleep and out there, you really do not get a lot of it! I had the pleasure of staffing some of the participants over again from a previous year and met a lot of new faces. I hope that they come back and staff next year!!

In June, I had the absolute pleasure of going to a real ranch wedding with my best friend Chelsea. The wedding was my dad's business partner. I didn't get to make it to the actual ceremony, but I heard it was beautiful. I saw the dress & such at the reception. Donna was an absolutely STUNNING bride. I hope to look at least half as beautiful on my wedding day. I learned at the dinner that me and wine ... we don't mix too well. Let's just say it was an interesting night. The next day was the dance, and I was much more careful with my alcohol consumption. Chelsea and I danced for almost 6 entire hours - even if we were the only ones on the dance floor.

A few weeks ago, my dad's brother got married in a gorgeous outdoor ceremony. I had the pleasure of having Dean with me, which was a ton of fun. I got to hang out, dance and drink  at an open bar. Rain clouds started to roll in during the dance (which was held in the barn!) so everyone started to move inside.... except for 2 of Uncle Mark's boys. They decided to stay out in the rain and dance for everyone. (They're only 9!!) As the night went on, people started dancing in the rain and laughing at the puddle splashing. It was an absolutely wonderful night!

So, this whole work thing ... I haven't been working a lot & just recently started to pick up more shifts. After three years of working for Corus Entertainment, I finally got to work in the JOE FM studio doing behind the scenes work. I work in the CISN studio whenever I can, but have never really moved next door to the JOE side. It's been pretty spectacular over here the past 2 days!

Anyways guys and ladies - you're probably much too tired to keep reading my rambling on life.Speaking of tired - I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. Hopefully this week I can get back on track and not be up until 430 every morning!

<3

Mums and Mother's Day

Many people often comment, "any man can make a child, but it takes someone special to be a dad." Now, after this weekend, I believe that the same thing goes for mothers.

Firstly, my mum is someone who happened to give birth to me. While this is probably the most common conception of what a mother is, I certainly do not think it should be limited to that.

This occurred to me this weekend, when a man who is like my 2nd dad came up to me, amidst mothers, children, and fathers and said, "Happy Mother’s Day." This man knows me well enough to know I have not given birth to any children. (not yet, one day though!) I reminded him that I was not in fact, "a mum." His response was simple and stuck with me all of yesterday and it was this, "but, you kind of are like a mum to all these kids." Side note - the kids he was referring to were his own, my niece and nephews, and friend's kids.

It is certainly not the first time that someone has referred to the fact that I seem to do well with children. I revel in joy when they like me, when they are near, and when I can be myself around them. Two weeks ago, I was fondly given the nickname "Ovaries" as I always exclaim, "my ovaries are jumping!" when I am around children. My mum has said that perhaps it is because I am not guarded around children and so they see the "real me." Whatever the reason, I have never, in my life, been wished a Happy Mother's Day.

This brings me to the point of this all. Why are the mums that get celebrated the ones that have just given birth or adopted children? Why is "adoption" such a narrow term? The man that said that to me has essentially "adopted" me into his family. I don't live with him and his family, nor do I call him dad. Yet every father’s day, I send him a card.

Mums are EVERYWHERE. Perhaps they are like me - they do not have any "real" children of their own. Perhaps they immerse themselves in lives of children they know. Perhaps they're your best friend's mum. Perhaps they have adopted pets that they have fondly made into children. Perhaps they ARE the ones that have given birth.

Whoever the mothers are in your life: an adopted, biological, parents of pets or women that are just ... There. Wish them a happy mother’s day too.

-S