6 Years Ago.

6 years ago I was focused on where to get my next fix. Today, I'm focused on school work.

6 years ago I was a gaunt, deathly-looking 115 pounds. Today, I'm a much healthier weight. (And I don't look like the grim reaper)

6 years ago I was getting high. Today, I work every day to be a better person than yesterday.

6 years ago I told my family I hated them. I watched my family cry in hurt and fear. Today, I forgive myself for telling them those lies, apologize for hurting them, and love them more than anything.

5.5 years ago I was terrified that my friends and family would shun me for being an addict. I was terrified they wouldn't want me around them or their kids. Today, I am reminded that my family and those that truly matter opened their arms and said "Welcome home."

Today, I am thankful for what I've gone through. I wouldn't change it. I am a stronger person for this, and a better person for this. I lost some friends along the way, but the people that matter around around in full force.

Today, I am happy, healthy, and clean for 6 years.

Thank-you. Thank-you for opening your arms and supporting me. Thank-you for loving me for who I am, addict and all, thank-you for being there when I go through the bad days, and thank-you for just being you. I love you all more than you know.

A girl with depression

I am Steph
I have purple hair and 10 tattoos.
I am a fighter, a survivor, and a lover.
I am an addict.
I use humour as a defense mechanism.
I also have Bipolar II disorder.

Bipolar II is a disorder in which I swing from major depressive episodes to hypomania. To add to the excitement (see, there's my humour again) I am a rapid cycler, and my mania is actually more like a childhood/adolescent form of mania. In adolescents/children mania is usually characterized as extreme bouts of irritability and less need for sleep (among other symptoms.) So, the rapid cycling takes a toll on me, as does the bouts of irritability and long peroiods of MDD. (Major Depressive Disorder)

Now. I am a person with BPII. That does not, and will not define me. However, the last few days have taken their toll on me. I actually had a great week, I got to spend time with my family, with kids, with my dad, and be out at the farm for a week. I love the farm - the silence, the peace, the fireplace, the everything. Today was different. Today I swung really low. I slept all day (I have a tendency to do that when things start to go downhill), and when I woke up, I was on the verge of tears (or crying) the whole time.

Today was the first time in a VERY long time that I felt that I could not overcome this and that my entire identity was simply "depressed." I felt that I lost everything else about me and all I could focus on was the tears and heartache. I hugged my dad and burst into tears, I drove my car while crying, I got through a drink with a friend, then started crying again. Today was the first time that I thought I might lose this lifelong battle with a terrible illness.

I hear all the time that people think I'm a strong person, that I have overcome so much, that I just need to hold on, and that things will all be okay, because I've done this before.

Here's a secret though

I never thought I would lose this battle. 

Today, I broke. I need more help than I have right now, and I am no longer afraid to admit that. I need my friends to help me stay afloat and not let me sink. I need my own self to hold on longer. Just keep holding on. That is the thought running through my head. I have the sneaking other thoughts too though, "what if this doesn't actually work out? what if I lose this battle? what if all I'm ever known for is depression?"

I told Chelsea today of the things I want. I just looked back over the list and realized that I still want things for other people more than I want things for myself. This is an odd conundrum to be in. I want my parents to be back together, I want my sister to live closer, I want the one that got away to come back into my life (I still love you), and I want a particular someone in my life to stop being afraid of feeling. Feelings are okay. Take my hand - let's do this together. After ALL of that, I said "...and I want to stop waking up crying.)

I need to remember to fight for ME first. I can't be the helpful, strong, bubbly, enigma of a person for others unless I can do it for myself first.

I have to stand up and fight. Tonight....tonight, I'm not ready to do that. Tomorrow I will fight, and I will find more strength to hold onto the rope that is keeping my head above water.

Now, you may not think that this is a serious illness and that there are worse illnesses. Yes, there are worse illnesses, but this is a serious illness. My brain is sick which makes my body sick. This isn't a "just change things in your life" type of illness. This is not a single MDD episode. This has been a lifelong battle. Ever-since-I-was-a-toddler battle. Some days are better than others, but some days are really bad.

I didn't write this so that people would feel sorry for me - I don't actually know why I wrote this. However, it makes me feel better, so that is what matters in the end. I recognize that I need more help than what I have in my life and I'm going to go get it. I urge you, if you are a person suffering from depression/know a person suffering from depression, to not brush it off like you stubbed your toe. Sometimes, MDD episodes come once in your life and everything is great again. That is AWESOME. I mean that with every piece of my being. Sometimes though, it is not just a one-time thing. Sometimes, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to be awake, it hurts to think about anything other than sleeping.

We all need to stand up and help people. Stop dragging people down. Sometimes it is the smallest comments that throw people over the edge. Sometimes it's things that you seem to think are the most minuscule things ever. Sometimes it IS. That doesn't mean that people with MDD/BPI/BPII/any other mental illness are any less of a person. These people, myself included, suffer from an illness.....

And I want you to fight. I want you to win this battle with me. I want you to know that there are people out here that hurt and people out here that have gotten through the lowest of lows.

Fight with me. Stand with me. Let's help each other hold ourselves above water, because we can't do this alone.

Addiction triggers.

I was driving home tonight on ominous roads, when a certain song came on. I listened to it a LOT when I was an addict, when I was using, and when I was with the boy (he was certainly not a man) who tried to destroy me; he tried to break me into what he was. A lot of things trigger my addiction. People talking about it without knowing, or people talking about it who do know, random things, scents, music, tons. Tonight was different though. As I was driving, I was immediately taken back to a night (almost like this) where the roads were treacherous and I drove into Edmonton from Nisku with one thing on my mind: my addiction. (And seeing him.) I remember making the phone call to him saying I would be late because the roads were bad, I remember driving him back to nisku and us getting into his work truck to get high and drive to Calgary. We listened to that song. The fact that the memory was so vivid was shocking. I often think about my addiction. I think about using again, I think about him, but I don't have many very vivid memories of doing it as my mind was very hazy. I remember the songs we used to listen to, I remember almost getting arrested, I remember overdosing twice and still wanting more.
I am not proud of who I was then, but I AM proud of overcoming it. I'm proud that I fought the battle of a lifetime and that I've made it just over 5 years. I'm honored that I have people in my life who accept me for me. "Me" comes with an addiction. One that won't go away, one that still haunts me.
I don't actually know why I'm writing this, but something struck me so profoundly when I was on my way home and that memory came back. I felt like I needed to say it.
Things will always trigger my addiction and I just want people to know that it doesn't make people bad. Good people make poor decisions all the time. I'll have to deal with it everyday. I have to deal with the triggers, the sweaty palms, the choices I made, and the songs that break my heart.
This is all a healing process - it takes time.
If you've made it this far, I commend you. Thanks for reading my 330AM ramblings about what may seem like something beyond trivial. Maybe it is trivial - but I had to write it anyways.

Also - I urge you, if you struggle with an addiction: YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME IT. Addiction doesn't define who you are - it is just a part of who you are. It's a mark on your life, a scar, and a lesson learned. You are stronger than any substance and any person that tries to break you. I promise

Tears and heartbreak

It's been a rough go lately. For reasons both in my control and completely out of my control. I feel that I need to write yet another thank-you to the ones that constantly stand by me. For the ones that remind me incessantly that they love me through my stupid choices, my loud voice, and my complete stubbornness. For the ones that remind me what I'm worth when I forget or start to doubt myself.

Thank-you to all of you. I sit and can't even fathom the amount of love that you all shower me with.

A toast to you on my birthday.

It was my birthday on Saturday. September 1. I was born into the world around 1130AM on that day to Ralph & Velvet 24 years ago. I had an older brother, Chad, and I cried like a donkey/Horshack. In 1990 my sister Jes came into the world and she looked like a monkey. (really, she had a LOT of hair)

My mum recently posted pictures on Facebook of me through the years and it made me realize how blessed I was and still am to have so many amazing things.

I am strong. Looking at the pictures not only brought back a flooding of childhood memories, but also recent ones. I remember how much I've over come in my life.

Some bad things happened in childhood, come jr high I had almost no friends, my parents separated and got back together, I did drugs and got clean. I moved out, moved back in and moved out again. I went to school, failed, and then went back and am kicking ass at it.

Last years birthday was a really rough time for me. One of my best friends in the world walked away and he never turned around. Chelsea and Dean came to my rescue. From then on? We have been a tripod. A triangle. The strongest shape in the world.

This year, me and a different best friend figured things out and started talking again. Chelsea & I went to Vegas on a girls trip. Renee and I got closer, Nix has been there on countless 3AM nights where I needed to cry on her shoulder, and the tripod remains stronger than ever.

This weekend, the weekend I turned 24, the tripod took on the city of Edmonton with a few other friends. The tripod stood through Friday, Saturday, & Sunday. We were gazelles and t-Rexs, we were drunk, we danced, and I may have shed a few tears. Sunday was an interesting night. I had a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor and lost it a bit. Dean & Chelsea came to the rescue and sat with me. They reminded me that we are a triangle. We are always going to be there for each other. We are strong. We stand united.

I have been blessed beyond measure this past week. When I needed friends, they stepped up. Jessi was there for me when I needed to cry, dean dropped everything to come over, Chelsea talked to me at 1am, nix reminded me about life decisions, Renee talked me through a situation.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what some of them are sometimes, but this weekend showed me who was there. Not just the people that showed up, but the people that are THERE. 100%. Ready to give up a night of sleep to celebrate, cry, hug, laugh, anything.

It is YOU that I am toasting on my birthday. To Chelsea, Dean, Jessi, Sean, Nix, Renee, and my family. I wouldn't be half as strong as I am without you. So on my birthday, I toast you. Here's to another year of reminding each other that we're amazing. Another year of sleepless nights, study dates, slo pitch, tears, hugs, and laughs. I love you all more than you know. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Here's to YOU

In a funk

Do you ever find yourself in a headspace that just doesn't feel like your own? For the past week or so, I haven't felt like myself at all. I haven't been feeling well physically and that was the only reason I had for not being .... Me. I feel physically fine now but I can't eat properly, barely catch sleep at regular times and just feel ... Not like myself.

A week and a half ago, my best friend and I got in a major fight. Through help from another friend, I made it through the night as she gracefully let me cry on her shoulder even though it was her date night and she was exhausted. Best friend and I may still have our issues, but we are communicating and working through them.

I really don't have anything to be stressed about.

I have 3 wonderful best friends, my family is great, and life is good. Yet here I am in this unexplained funk. I have no desire to stand up and fight the world right now. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, yet I can't fall asleep at regular hours which in turn makes me over think things that I shouldn't.

I had nightmares about my situation with the best friend this week and the other person involved. After it played out in real life, I was fine. I got two rides on the Harley, yet I still wasn't happy. I wasn't even happy today spending time with my family, which included my niece and nephews.

Just one of those weeks I think. I must stop with the self deprecating thoughts and move forwards. I'm not sure what is keeping me from fighting except my own mind. This is about to change.

This isn't me.

*I* am a pretty rad person: I smile, I laugh, and I love hanging out with friends. I have to stop hiding in my bat cave and start going out with my friends again - especially since school starts soon and that time will be limited as is.

With much love and too much pondering,
-S

Age

Is age really just a number? Is it more about maturity than age? Where do we draw the line?

Thoughts of a late night.